"I'm over it"

is the phrase I learned from my Uganda teammates. There are so many phrases we used to say like "Yeah you do~" to "You're a hot mess." Ahh what a mess we were, physically, emotionally, and at times, spiritually.

I'm currently at a cafe, as a senior who is dealing with her second to last quarter as an undergrad trying to combat senioritis. And when I say combat, I really mean its full definition of "take action to reduce, destroy, or prevent (something undesirable)." This feeling of "I'm over school" and the battle to overcome it is unfortunately familiar because I faced this four years ago too. And when I thought I had overcome this, it came back like a disease, and now I am struggling real hard to not let myself revert to that state. 

I went off on a tangent, but I thought about my frequent use of the phrase "I'm over it" and how deceiving it is to myself. And how self-deprecating it can be. I've become so used to just saying "I'm over it" to almost every thing that could possibly "mess up my groove" and my cool. Or sometimes I just say it to save my face because I don't want others to know how I truly am feeling. 

On another note, I also think that this is encouraged in this day and age with everything being so fast paced and the rise of "cool girls" who are too cool for school to care. It's not that I wanted to become this "cool girl" but I think rather I wanted to be in tune with this time and age and be able say "I'm over it" and move on as quickly as possible. But the last few months, I realized that that maybe I am not cut out for it. But I am also learning that this is okay. 

The last few months have been challenging with the changes that were both expected and unexpected. About four weeks ago, my last grandparent of the four passed away. To me, this was an unexpected death. She had been ill with dementia for almost as long as I can remember, but I remember it really took her away four years ago. At that point, she didn't remember any of her daughters, and of course, she didn't remember me. I remember being so disheartened and sad that I had to accept that my sweet grandma was really gone and that the person I saw time to time over the weekends was a stranger. And now, when I heard that she had passed away, that she had left this world permanently, that was truly an unexpected death. Squeezing in her funeral in the midst of midterms, assignments, and other responsibilities and coming back to them after, it almost seemed like my grandma never passed away. It's almost as though I became this idealized 21st century person who knows how to get him/herself together and be responsible and efficient. 

But the truth is, I am not. I am still processing her death and I am still trying to catch up on all the responsibilities I have. It's been a month and I still am all over the place and perhaps "I'm a hot mess" like my teammates and I used to call one another in Uganda. This past week, I had to talk to my professor and just let him know that it's been hard and that I just need more time. My professor was so understanding and he showed me grace and compassion, and that moment I really experienced the care and grace of my Father above. It was so nerve-wracking to talk to my professor after class and just be honest, but being honest and perhaps being vulnerable bought me more time and more importantly granted me grace. 

I remember in one of the sermons, Pastor Harold said we don't just "get over" death. There are things in life we just cannot get over. Whether it be death or changes or decisions, we don't get over them but we learn to live with them. Live with the loss, the changes, and the decisions. This insight really freed me from trying to "get over" so many things. There is death, there are losses, and there are "what if's" I deal with everyday. Sometimes I become sad when I think of the losses, and I often tell myself that it's been too long and that I have issues for still being sad over it. There are "what if's" in my head that I entertain and ultimately drive myself to be miserable over the decisions that I've made. Simply, there are many changes, expected and unexpected, that I cannot simply just "get over", I've learned. But with that insight, I am learning ways to cope and live with them. And now the pressure of being "over it" is gone, it's been somewhat liberating and I feel more like myself. 

Honesty never fails..

On a lighter note, I used to be obsessed with "Keep Calm and Carry On." I still like it hehe.

"The City for an Artist”, She Said

It's no news but I've been back in Prague for the summer. Believe it or not, as much as I love this city, coming back was not my intention. When I left this city behind, I thought the next time I'll be back would be perhaps with a family of my own. But merely a little over a year later, I'm back.

Someone once said something along the lines of me destined to be here. It sounds silly and I'm not sure about "destiny" but this city has surely become more than just a place I studied abroad during my college career. This city in a way became a third home or something of that sort to me. 

The last couple of days, a friend had visited Prague, and I had the honor of showing her around this beautiful and "third home" of mine. Walking along the Vltava river, overseeing the little red roofs, and getting lost in the alleyways of pastel colored architecture, I fell in love with the city all over again. Stuck in the financial district (or imagine something like that) all day everyday, I had forgotten why people travel from all parts of the world just to visit this small little place. 

Vltava River & Prague Castle by day

Vlata River & Prague Castle by night

The friend has gone back to the states (where there is real Mexican and Peruvian food.. Yum), hump day has come to an end already, and I'm about to knock out in this metro.. yet I’m in love with this part of my life in this so called “Fairytale City.” I look miserable in the metro after a long day of work—and I believe this is the reason why the traffic control never checks my ID—and even though I am dead tired right now, I love how I can just hop to a different train to go to a cafe I like because it’s raining outside. I love how I already have the hours memorized, which drink and cake to order, and how even my phone recognizes the WiFi. I love this ease and comfort I feel in this place. It’s strange for an Asian-American girl to say that she feels at home (even to me) at a place where she’s a minority and can barely communicate in the native language, but I do. 

The best chai tea latte of my (short) life

I get asked this question a lot, “Why Prague? Why not Paris?” I mean, I still find it funny that despite the years I spent studying French and loving everything about French (I’m a fake francophile), I studied in Prague and then back here again. If anyone is curious, in high school, I had an art teacher named Ms. Reynolds, and she was from Prague. She always spoke so fondly of Prague and called Prague a city for an artist. Because I spent so many hours in the studio, without even knowing, I became so fond of Prague that decided to study there instead of Paris. 

Now I feel like there is some validity behind the statement I am about to make, as I’ve lived here as a student and a working person, but I am not sure if Prague is really a city for an artist like she said haha. But I do not regret my decision to study abroad here, to have met people here, to come back here to work, and to just have welcomed this place as home in the midst of my many other homes (or no homes since I am a bit of a nomad). 

A random postcard I found online. 

Maybe Ms. Reynolds is the artist of this postcard.. Haha

There is this artist I used to listen to when I was in middle school, and his name is Lasse Lindh. He’s Swedish but he has an interesting past of living in Korea for a year. He fell in love with Korea so much that he decided to live in Seoul and even published a book called “Hallo, Seoul!” His songs are nice to listen to, especially on a rainy day like this, and I find this connection (?) with this guy because I am not the only one in love with a foreign city. 

Lasse Lindh- The Stuff

Lasse Lindh- I Could Give You Love

His book on Seoul

I might not be creating art left and right, but I do have to credit my time here for revitalizing creativity within me. I simply am inspired more, think more, and just see more. Perhaps it’s not Prague or Seoul that is for artists. Maybe.. a new city, a new place is where artists grow the most. Hmm, maybe. 

Anyways, I am done with my cup of chai tea latte, and the rain has stopped, meaning it’s time for me to head back home. Haha, home. 

Written 07.29.15

The Architecture of Happiness

Hello blogosphere. Greetings from Prague! I was initially writing an entry on how things have been in Prague, but that draft keeps being interrupted (at work), and now I've simply lost interest in continuing the draft. It's Friday morning here, and my sixth week at work is officially coming to an end as well. To summarize, work life has been stressful at times, but I find myself overall happy because of the little things like.. the cup of coffee and croissant patiently waiting for me to devour them.

My little haven at work

As cliché as it sounds, it's the little things. I live by the central station (imagine the one in NY.. because I can't.. because.. I've never been haha) in Prague, and it's only a 15-20 minute metro ride from there to work. The moment I sit, I take out this book I was gifted with about 2 years ago. It's a book written by the creative director of TBWA\Chiat\Day- Korea, and he's famous for his creativity and insight. His ads are well known to the public, even to people who have no interest in the world of mad men, and that reason being, he's asked this question a lot, "How do you become creative?" Ha! This is a question I also want to know an answer to, but his answer is almost too random--"Read humanities." In this book (he actually has several), he introduces and gives a sneak peak of the books he recommends, and almost after every chapter, he reminds the readers that reading makes our lives "rich" because we become appreciative of the little details, small things around us.

It really must be the little things. If there is one thing I've learned about myself this past year is that I tend to be a little anti-climatic with the big events in my life (For that reason, I appreciate my friends who are more excited and celebratory for me). A good example would be.. I thought once I get my driver's license, I would jump around the whole neighborhood of Westwood in happiness. But once I was licensed, there were other things I wanted to pursue after. Maybe it's a bit exaggerated, but I think the first hour of my day, when I read the book in the metro, brew coffee in the office, and take a bite out of the chocolate croissant with a sip of hot coffee at my desk is what makes me happy. Happier.

Speaking of happiness, last night, I watched Inside Out (2015) with my flat mates, and oh boy, that movie was emotional (haha.. because it's about emotions.. haha). The premise is that there's a head quarter of emotions, joy, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust being the main emotions of an individual. Everyday, these emotions operate to their best ability to give Riley (the main character) a good moment, a good day, and overall, a good life. Joy tries so hard because in the end, she just wants Riley to be happy. But as people grow up, it's quite inevitable to experience sadness, angst, anger, bitterness, loneliness, and all these other "non-joy" emotions. As Riley experiences, the emotions also learn (or maybe just me) that all emotions, good and bad, must co-exist because that's what makes memory a special one. This movie made me wonder if my Joy has a hard time trying to keep me happy. I find myself to be overall a happy and positive person, but there are times when I sulk in sadness and sorrow too. Nevertheless, if Joy really existed, I want to give thanks because, hey, I think I am easily pleased and therefore happy. So.. thanks Joy! And Sadness. Without you, happiness wouldn't mean so much.. ^__^

+ Alain de Botton is the man. I want to read his books, including The Architecture of Happiness.

Some "Seoul" Searching Songs

Yay for alliteration.

When people ask about this year, I really don't know what to say. It went by so fast that I didn't have time to properly digest and reflect. Maybe on Friday I will take the time to really reflect. On another note, after being a high school teacher for the last two quarters, I realized that educators overuse the word "reflect" (including myself). We need to come up with new words to.. educate..?

But in the midst of my busyness (Is this a word?), there have been some songs that have kept me company, especially these past 10 weeks. I can only think of two right now but I promise this blogosphere that I will share a playlist soon. Soon. 

Zion. T- 꺼내먹어요

"집에 가고 싶죠? (집에 있는데도)

집게 가고 싶을거야

그럴 땐 이 노래를 초콜릿처럼 꺼내 먹어요."

백아연- 이럴거면 그러지말지

"어때 넌 어떻게 하고싶니 

지금 이 순간의 감정일지 중간에 금방 에러가 날것인지

I don't know 하지만 내 생각엔 오래가진 못할 거 같아

너 아닌 나 때문에 이 관계는 이어지지 못해"

This marks the end of something close to something. Perhaps good things. But goodbye and hello to better things..! ^_^;;

Realized both songs are Korean. Love Korean music. The good ones are good. Ahh I miss Seoul. 

Coffee Boy

It's 17°C today.

And I like it.

"Gloomy" (considering I'm in CA) weather suits my playlist a lot better. I feel like I have a better excuse of listening to "sappy" songs haha.

What I've been listening to today:

커피소년- That's Nothing

"그저 스쳐가는 바람일뿐이야

누구나 한번쯤 겪는 그런일이야"

Like- 돌아갈래

"내 삶은 회전목마처럼

오늘도 어김없이 돌아간다"

This past weekend, I picked up a new hobby of brewing coffee. I was always so against drinking coffee because of

1) The smell of black coffee + leather seated car. Something about black coffee + car makes me want to throw up, and oh boy, I have.. many many times. Even to this day, I still think our family got a new car when I was in elementary school because I threw up on the seats so many times (no matter how illogical it may sound).

2) My whole family, except for my mom, is addicted coffee. Coffee-addicts. They can't survive without 2+ cups of coffee. We got everything from a coffee bean grinder to an espresso machine to Keurig to French press to pourover to just about everything. As a simple tea person (and still am) I never understood why one needed so much equipment for something so.. dark and bitter haha.

Nonetheless, I am now entering the coffee world humbly (sorry tea.. I still love you), hoping to learn more about it without turning into a "snob", warned by my Uganda teammate Minhoh.

Good morning, Ms. Pepper and her human

After observing the very coffee connoisseur, Ms. Pepper's human friend EDK, I signed myself away~ 

"I consent to becoming a slave of coffee like the rest of my fambam and the world" 

- JSK

Some notes I took as I was watching videos of brewing coffee 

+

my very illustration of 커피소년 LOL

(Oh on another note, 커피소년 is having a concert this month and I wish I can go but the tickets are so expensive. 

Why why why)

Two benefits (other than the obvious ones) from drinking coffee:

1. I can gladly grind the beans for my dad now (아 아빠가 참 보고싶다)
2. I can "grab coffee" with people. Indeed I am this Thursday with my professor~ ^__^

Mm g'morning everyone. G'day everyone. 

#metime

Nine months ago, I last wrote on this blog.

There were many times I wanted to write on this blog, but then I stopped myself. I thought to myself, “there are better and useful things I can do with this time” and went on doing other “less useless” things.

I guess this well depicts my life. My life has been so busy with things that nine months just flew by. But right now I am pretty exhausted form checking one thing off the list after another. To be honest, I stumbled upon a “graphic designer’s block” and got super frustrated with myself. I attempted to move onto the next most important on my exhaustive to-do list but realized that I need a break. I need #metime

Today I visited the Arts District before heading to church. I visited a stationary-esque store and saw that the store sold two of my journals from the past. I guess the owner is Korean haha. Anyways, the store contained snippets of things I appreciate—children’s books, cook books, kitchenware (not just any but cute and chic ones), gardening stuff, etc. It was so refreshing for my I-appreciate-pretty-things-soul to just look around. Oh I guess this weekend in general was like that for me. It was a good weekend.

Art and Design. When it comes to these two things, I always feel insecure. I have a problem of introducing myself as an artist.. or a designer. I feel as though I am either neither.. or a sad mix of both (again there’s this insecure tone). It’s an on-going discussion/argument within myself, so it might not make sense, but let me try. 

I think there is meaning to art. There’s significance or some purpose behind everything. So basically, as long as there is meaning, it is art. No aesthetics involved. 

When it comes to design though, I think there needs to be functionality and approval from the majority. I don’t know the details of art history (which I wish I did because I actually enjoy learning about history), but Bauhaus kinda prompted the movement for functional design et cetera. So for design, as long as it’s functional and well-approved, it’s good design (methinks). It does not require some deep meaning behind it. 

But this is just me speaking. I actually had a good discussion/banter with a good friend of mine since middle school, an art history major at a liberal art college (oops), whether a cover of this book we saw at a bookstore in Korea was “good design” or not. I said it wasn’t a good design because it wasn’t pretty. Anyone, even people without the “artistic eye”, would’ve said it was ugly. However she called me out for calling things “pretty” and “not pretty”. Bleh, let me correct myself. It was not aesthetically pleasing. 

Anyways, I speak of aesthetics because.. I think ultimately, I just enjoy and appreciate “pretty” things. I don’t know if my doodles and such necessarily have deep meanings behind it. So maybe I am not an artist. But my designs are not always functional either. Neither are they innovative. I think ultimately, I just appreciate “pretty things” and produce them. This is why I don’t know if I can call myself an artist or a designer. I am just.. yeah.

Besides this artistic turmoil (?) within me, like I mentioned above, this weekend was a good weekend for me. I went to an art event on Friday evening called Paradigm Café, checked out art, listened to some new music, ate cookies, drank tea latte (haha not coffee), and was inspired. Also today, ate vegan food (my favorite), had a good conversation, and again, was inspired. 

Conclusion: I need more #metime. No more excuse of “I don’t have time”. Hopefully this little haven of mine in the virtual world will keep record of my #metimes.

Here are some snapshots from my artful weekend:

From my comparative literature classmate's exhibition

Paradigm Café at Art Share

Is it pretty or "aesthetically pleasing"? Ha!

Mm my favorite meal of the day

Lavender is my favorite color