A common theme

Not too long ago I was just scrolling down my blog reading what I have been writing about in the past and realized that there's a common theme to my posts. It's home. 

The concept of home is a confusing one for me. I moved around so many times and because of that it's really hard to say where I am really from. It's hard to define geographically, it's hard to define ethnically, culturally--am I Korean? Am I American? Am I a "gyopo"?--you name it. 

When people ask me where I am from, I usually say I am from Seoul and San Francisco (I only say this because sometimes people don't know where Berkeley is). But the thing is, when I am in Seoul, I want to be in NorCal. When I am in NorCal, I want to go back to Seoul. But this past winter break, I actually found myself wanting to go back to New York after awhile haha. 

I guess I am always missing "home" even when I am "home". 

Recently I was just talking about random things with a fairly new friend and after awhile that friend pointed out and said "Hey I think you're looking for a home in a person." It wasn't that I wasn't aware of the fact that I was missing a home. But I realized that not only was I looking for a home geographically but also in a person. And also that my search for a home is something that can be read, if paid attention to. 

A screenshot that the friend sent me after that conversation

"Some people have to leave home to find their home"

This past weekend, my parents visited from SF/Seoul. It was a really short trip, arriving on Saturday morning and leaving tonight (Sunday evening). When they were initially planning the trip, I told them it was okay not to visit because I knew it was going to be a hassle for them. Even as a twenty something year old, the flight to/from CA to NY is pretty exhausting. But they insisted, even if it was only going to be for less than two days, and they came. When I saw them at JFK all bundled up in their coats and scarves from SF, it felt unreal. And when I welcomed them to my apartment, it felt even more unreal. 

I've lived in seven different dorms/apartments since I've left home for college and my mom has never been to any of them until this one. And because it was her first time, I cleaned up the apartment to the best of my ability, but the first thing my mom saw was the dust collected in the corners of my apartment (oops). She gasped in that moment and "kicked me out" of the apartment and commissioned me to go buy a vacuum cleaner ASAP. In the freezing weather, I somehow found an appliances store and bought a vacuum cleaner on my own for the first time. When I grudgingly brought the vacuum home, my parents started vacuuming and mopping the whole apartment. It was a rare sight, first, seeing my parents in my living quarters, and second, my parents cleaning my living quarters. After all that was over, my mom then asked if I wanted gal-bee-jjim or bul-go-gi, and that she would make some for me. I said it was really okay and that I never starve (true story) so she doesn't need to prep me any food. 

The new powerful friend, Dyson

After all that chaos, we got ready and went out to Brooklyn to eat steak. And after a perfect meal, we went to Central Park. And then Herald Square. And then this little cafe that sells ho-dduk in K-Town. And then watched The Book of Mormon. And then called it a day. 

날이 좋아서 @ Peter Luger's

The Book of Mormon

Today, we all went to church together. And then came back to my place and just decompressed until they had to head out to the airport. Dad was flipping through the channels out in the living room. Mom and I were catching up on my bed and both fell asleep. When I woke up and saw my mom sleeping next to me, in my bed, in New York, it just felt like a dream. And when Mom and I both woke up, with one hour left until they had to leave, Dad left to walk around the neighborhood. When he came back, he brought back our family's favorite, Häagen-Dazs ice cream, and said he couldn't find the meat for bulgogi at the market. And after some time, it was time to go, and they left. 

Post post-church-nap haha

It's always been hard to say goodbye to my parents, but this one was devastating. Saying goodbye just seems to get harder and harder as I get older. It almost feels like I am aging backwards, becoming more and more attached to them. 

When I was in college, I was always envious of my apartment mates who would bring home banchan and gook from home that their mom would prepare for them. It's not that I would starve or eat poorly (I ate too well haha) and it actually motivated me to cook more, but I was just envious that they had a mom back "home" looking out for them.

When I started brewing my own coffee, I wished that one day my dad and I would get to drink the coffee I brewed together at home and laugh at those days I used to hate coffee and throw up at the smell of coffee. These opportunities were hard to find and more so now because I moved to the east coast, but these came when they were the least expected. And it really just all feels like a dream. 

The cup of coffee my dad left behind

Even though coming back to an empty apartment after Mom and Dad left was sad, for some reason, my now "home" in NY feels more like home now. And I feel more at peace. It's as though my desperate and unsettling search for a home has come to a halt because I've been reminded that I do have a home and that there are people who care for me and love me. To the point that they will carve out a whole weekend just for me. To feed me. To make my home a more sanitary place haha. 

But I know this will always be a common theme in my life. I know that my family will always be apart and I know that I will always crave this type of nurturing, looking out for each other, haven-like love. And I know that (as morbid as it sounds) my parents can't always be there for me and that my partner can't always provide this type of love.

내 이상형: tall, dark, and handsome (and holy)

Ultimately I will never be home. Until I am Home. But I am thankful for these rare times I feel so wholesomely loved and taste what it feels like to be Home.

Katie Kim- YH Bridge

엄마 아빠 우리 행복하자

011717

Heize- Underwater

Suzy- 행복한 척

노래 좋다

Discovering old songs

brb

Nouvelle Vague- This is not a Love Song

#mood

Téo- Selfless-ish (prod. J Dilla)

#mood

Saba- Photosynthesis (feat. Jean Deaux)

"I don't believe in long distance relationships"

is something I say a lot but often times I find myself in them. Haha.

Disclaimer* this is not about romantic relationships. I don't have much to comment when it comes to those.

Two days ago, it was Mother's Day in the states and Parents' Day in the motherland. I've been used to this whole deal of being motherless and fatherless (yeah I'm being dramatic), but maybe because I've been missing my parents so much these days, I felt a little sad. But it's okay, I couldn't even wallow in my sadness for too long because midterms took over my life and I had to be stuck at Powell for hours.

Like I said before, I find myself in long distance relationships a lot.

My parents live in Seoul, Korea.

My sisters live in San Francisco (one of them used to be in Hong Kong until January of this year).

I myself am always abroad whether it be Korea/Europe/Missions.

And the phenomenon about long distance relationships is that the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is indeed true. It's only after I moved out of home that I truly appreciate my parents (hence the previous post). I've also noticed that my friend S and I actually keep in touch a lot more when we are in different continents. Even with a short distance, I see relationships being a lot more intentional. My friends, S, A, and I don't live near each other, so we've designated Friday mornings to grab a meal and catch up. And because we know that if it's not Friday mornings, we cannot see each other, we always prioritize our rendezvous on Friday mornings.

But what I've learned about long distance relationships too is that with distance, you miss out on the little details of each other's lives. This is especially true for the case of my parents and me. My parents always ask me "How are you doing Jane?" via Kakao/email/on the phone but I often find myself just saying "응 난 잘 지내~ 걱정마 (I am doing well~ Don't worry about me)".

I encompass all the little ups and downs I've been going through under this one phrase, "I am doing well. Don't worry about me." I leave out the little details like how I felt misunderstood and so alone this one day and just wanted a big fat hug from my dad. I intentionally don't mention the fact that I've been sick here and there throughout the last few weeks because it's going to do no good for my mom. And often times I fail to tell them that I still miss them and need them like a little kid and that I am tired of pretending to be an adult, but instead I just say "응 난 잘지내~ 걱정마."

Yeah it's not not true that I am doing well and that they shouldn't worry about me. Really, they shouldn't haha. But I guess it saddens me a little that I am growing up, that we are all growing up, and they can't really be there to witness it.

But it's okay :'). I am still so very grateful for the times we get to spend together. One more month!!

Below is a cover done by my very talented friend Vivian! Everyone should go listen to her!

Vivian Byeon- Mama Don't Worry (Cover)

서울의 밤 바다 건너의 밤

멀리 있어도 우린 행복해

보고싶은 밤 모두 궁금한 밤

어디 있어도 우린 행복해

And now I should go back to reality and write my midterm paper.. Goodbye!

As I was scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook

I came across a status update from someone who attends my church in Korea and who also had recently gotten married. It was about how even though she now lives in Daejon (about 100 miles from Seoul), she still gets to stay at her parent's place (her former home) once a week because of the school she attends in Seoul (or something like that). And she was saying how strange it was that even though her room is still there, it is pretty much empty and that all her belongings and basically life are now in Daejon, her new home. And she proceeded to share these sights of her dad falling asleep to television or her mom cutting more fruit than she could eat and how she didn't realize these were sights she was going to miss until now--3 or 4 months into marriage.

The difference about being a college student/young adult in Korea is that majority of the people stay home throughout college and even afterwards. I've met very little people who decided to leave the nest while attending college, especially if they were attending a university located in Seoul. That being said, as I was reading about how the author of the status was going through this change of scenery in her life as she got married, I got to think about how I've left home ever since I went to college and that the likeliness of living with my parents again is very.. little.

I think when I was applying to colleges in the states, I knew I was moving out of home, but the idea of living in the states again was more dominating than the reality that once I moved out, that would be it. Like the girl who wrote the status, there are times I reminisce living under my parents' roof. Recently, I went to Urth Caffe with my church small group and someone ordered this vegetable juice. I got to take a sip of it and remembered how I used to drink this kale juice my mom would make every morning. There was also a time when I could see/talk to my dad whenever I wanted instead of emailing him to call me and wait for his call (because he refuses to create a Kakao account, for good reasons though).

There was a time everything was pretty much taken care of. Not that I am a self-sufficient adult right now, but I do miss the convenience of not having to clean my own room (haha), not having to pay for water and power, WiFi, and parking spot, and not cooking for myself (even though I thoroughly enjoy cooking but it's hard to afford the time to make gourmet dishes all the time, you know?).

Sometimes when I brew coffee, I wish my dad was around so he could taste my coffee and enjoy our pastries together. Or sometimes when the weather is nice, I wish I could go on a drive with my mom.

It's just the little things. It's always the little things.

Even though it is not in any of my near future plans to move back to Korea and study/work there, I do entertain how it would be if I were to actually move back in with my parents. I get to experience it once a year when I visit over winter break, but I know living with them again as a permanent resident versus being a "guest" (oh this is sad) is a different story. Interestingly enough, I've been surrounded by a couple friends in my life who moved back home after work/grad school and share how good it is but also how frustrating it is too.

When I hear of those good and also bad times, I am reminded again that living with my parents will never be the same, especially after being "independent" for the last four years. For example, I don't think I can honor the curfew of coming home by 9:30pm anymore. I am not a night owl but 9:30pm? C'mon haha. But it does sadden me that the season of being under my parents' roof and care has passed... before I knew it. Like fully realized it.

This soundtrack = #parents #korea #family

"The City for an Artist”, She Said

It's no news but I've been back in Prague for the summer. Believe it or not, as much as I love this city, coming back was not my intention. When I left this city behind, I thought the next time I'll be back would be perhaps with a family of my own. But merely a little over a year later, I'm back.

Someone once said something along the lines of me destined to be here. It sounds silly and I'm not sure about "destiny" but this city has surely become more than just a place I studied abroad during my college career. This city in a way became a third home or something of that sort to me. 

The last couple of days, a friend had visited Prague, and I had the honor of showing her around this beautiful and "third home" of mine. Walking along the Vltava river, overseeing the little red roofs, and getting lost in the alleyways of pastel colored architecture, I fell in love with the city all over again. Stuck in the financial district (or imagine something like that) all day everyday, I had forgotten why people travel from all parts of the world just to visit this small little place. 

Vltava River & Prague Castle by day

Vlata River & Prague Castle by night

The friend has gone back to the states (where there is real Mexican and Peruvian food.. Yum), hump day has come to an end already, and I'm about to knock out in this metro.. yet I’m in love with this part of my life in this so called “Fairytale City.” I look miserable in the metro after a long day of work—and I believe this is the reason why the traffic control never checks my ID—and even though I am dead tired right now, I love how I can just hop to a different train to go to a cafe I like because it’s raining outside. I love how I already have the hours memorized, which drink and cake to order, and how even my phone recognizes the WiFi. I love this ease and comfort I feel in this place. It’s strange for an Asian-American girl to say that she feels at home (even to me) at a place where she’s a minority and can barely communicate in the native language, but I do. 

The best chai tea latte of my (short) life

I get asked this question a lot, “Why Prague? Why not Paris?” I mean, I still find it funny that despite the years I spent studying French and loving everything about French (I’m a fake francophile), I studied in Prague and then back here again. If anyone is curious, in high school, I had an art teacher named Ms. Reynolds, and she was from Prague. She always spoke so fondly of Prague and called Prague a city for an artist. Because I spent so many hours in the studio, without even knowing, I became so fond of Prague that decided to study there instead of Paris. 

Now I feel like there is some validity behind the statement I am about to make, as I’ve lived here as a student and a working person, but I am not sure if Prague is really a city for an artist like she said haha. But I do not regret my decision to study abroad here, to have met people here, to come back here to work, and to just have welcomed this place as home in the midst of my many other homes (or no homes since I am a bit of a nomad). 

A random postcard I found online. 

Maybe Ms. Reynolds is the artist of this postcard.. Haha

There is this artist I used to listen to when I was in middle school, and his name is Lasse Lindh. He’s Swedish but he has an interesting past of living in Korea for a year. He fell in love with Korea so much that he decided to live in Seoul and even published a book called “Hallo, Seoul!” His songs are nice to listen to, especially on a rainy day like this, and I find this connection (?) with this guy because I am not the only one in love with a foreign city. 

Lasse Lindh- The Stuff

Lasse Lindh- I Could Give You Love

His book on Seoul

I might not be creating art left and right, but I do have to credit my time here for revitalizing creativity within me. I simply am inspired more, think more, and just see more. Perhaps it’s not Prague or Seoul that is for artists. Maybe.. a new city, a new place is where artists grow the most. Hmm, maybe. 

Anyways, I am done with my cup of chai tea latte, and the rain has stopped, meaning it’s time for me to head back home. Haha, home. 

Written 07.29.15

Some "Seoul" Searching Songs

Yay for alliteration.

When people ask about this year, I really don't know what to say. It went by so fast that I didn't have time to properly digest and reflect. Maybe on Friday I will take the time to really reflect. On another note, after being a high school teacher for the last two quarters, I realized that educators overuse the word "reflect" (including myself). We need to come up with new words to.. educate..?

But in the midst of my busyness (Is this a word?), there have been some songs that have kept me company, especially these past 10 weeks. I can only think of two right now but I promise this blogosphere that I will share a playlist soon. Soon. 

Zion. T- 꺼내먹어요

"집에 가고 싶죠? (집에 있는데도)

집게 가고 싶을거야

그럴 땐 이 노래를 초콜릿처럼 꺼내 먹어요."

백아연- 이럴거면 그러지말지

"어때 넌 어떻게 하고싶니 

지금 이 순간의 감정일지 중간에 금방 에러가 날것인지

I don't know 하지만 내 생각엔 오래가진 못할 거 같아

너 아닌 나 때문에 이 관계는 이어지지 못해"

This marks the end of something close to something. Perhaps good things. But goodbye and hello to better things..! ^_^;;

Realized both songs are Korean. Love Korean music. The good ones are good. Ahh I miss Seoul. 

Coffee Boy

It's 17°C today.

And I like it.

"Gloomy" (considering I'm in CA) weather suits my playlist a lot better. I feel like I have a better excuse of listening to "sappy" songs haha.

What I've been listening to today:

커피소년- That's Nothing

"그저 스쳐가는 바람일뿐이야

누구나 한번쯤 겪는 그런일이야"

Like- 돌아갈래

"내 삶은 회전목마처럼

오늘도 어김없이 돌아간다"

This past weekend, I picked up a new hobby of brewing coffee. I was always so against drinking coffee because of

1) The smell of black coffee + leather seated car. Something about black coffee + car makes me want to throw up, and oh boy, I have.. many many times. Even to this day, I still think our family got a new car when I was in elementary school because I threw up on the seats so many times (no matter how illogical it may sound).

2) My whole family, except for my mom, is addicted coffee. Coffee-addicts. They can't survive without 2+ cups of coffee. We got everything from a coffee bean grinder to an espresso machine to Keurig to French press to pourover to just about everything. As a simple tea person (and still am) I never understood why one needed so much equipment for something so.. dark and bitter haha.

Nonetheless, I am now entering the coffee world humbly (sorry tea.. I still love you), hoping to learn more about it without turning into a "snob", warned by my Uganda teammate Minhoh.

Good morning, Ms. Pepper and her human

After observing the very coffee connoisseur, Ms. Pepper's human friend EDK, I signed myself away~ 

"I consent to becoming a slave of coffee like the rest of my fambam and the world" 

- JSK

Some notes I took as I was watching videos of brewing coffee 

+

my very illustration of 커피소년 LOL

(Oh on another note, 커피소년 is having a concert this month and I wish I can go but the tickets are so expensive. 

Why why why)

Two benefits (other than the obvious ones) from drinking coffee:

1. I can gladly grind the beans for my dad now (아 아빠가 참 보고싶다)
2. I can "grab coffee" with people. Indeed I am this Thursday with my professor~ ^__^

Mm g'morning everyone. G'day everyone. 

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

is a film I have not watched.

It's actually quite irrelevant to what I am going to write about in my humble blog. The only relevance this film has to this post is that its Korean title is "프라하의 봄" (Prague's Spring).

’Tis April 10th of 2014, and it is still quite chilly here in Prague.

A week ago, Prague was in its 20's°C (high 60°F), and that Californian side of me jumped in joy--"It's finally spring time!" Then I left for Copenhagen, Denmark and had (what I thought would be) my last taste of winter. Here I am, back in Prague, and what is this madness.. It's raining. It's chilly. It's not spring T_T. 

1. In my beanie, heat-tech, sweater, jean jacket, and another coat on top

Oh and of course the essential Totoro-esque umbrella

2. My awesome Photoshop skillz. Please hire me! 

Oh Prague, make up your mind! Let's not go back and forth from 20°C to suddenly 10°C (high 60's to 45°F). But really, it is spring time here in Czech Republic. One thing I really miss about living in Korea, other than its delicious food, is its four seasons! My favorite season in Korea is spring time because my neighborhood just blooms with beautiful beautiful cherry blossoms and magnolia, and I haven't been able to appreciate that bloom of life in what-are-seasons-California. Though I haven't lived in all the places of the world, it's funny how you can recognize characteristics of your home(s) almost wherever you go. I've been experiencing that phenomenon here and there as I've been traveling..!

When I was taking a morning stroll in my neighborhood and came across this beautiful scenery
"Cherry Blossom Ending"- Busker Busker
^ A spring classic

Slapy, Czech Republic
A breathtaking view. For more photos, check out my alternative-Instagram-aka-Tumblr!

But I really like the rain hehe. It's nice to just be.. inside and by yourself. #introvert

Currently just sippin' a cup of hot chocolate at a café I discovered in the alley :-)

Fatigueness/sleepiness. Helplessness. Thoughts. And more thoughts. 

These are some (negative) things that are attached to.. me, I guess. 

#storyofmylife

With my morning class canceled, I had pretty much the whole day to rest up, but I found myself awake at 7 in the morning as always. I tossed and turned to fall back asleep but miserably failed to finally get out of bed around 10. It's been a slow day. I asked to leave my internship early to study for my last dreadful midterm tomorrow, but the truth is.. I just wanted to go back to my apartment, wrap myself in my blankets, and just lie in what I would call my little haven (aka bed). But I don't know how, knowing how little of self-will and discipline I have, but somehow convinced myself that I should just go to a café I've been meaning to check out to study for my midterm until my evening class at 8pm. Now, here I am at the café (which I love and should be coming back) drinking coffee (which I always politely refuse to drink), but lost in my messy messy thoughts. Oh Jane, Jane..

Currently at my-favorite-café-in-Prague-as-of-now, drinking coffee, and listening to good ol' Casker. 

As expected, I'm daydreaming of being somewhere else, doing something else. Listening to Casker makes me appreciate Korean-Indie scene much more, and now I wish I was somewhere in Hongdae listening to other artists live. Ah.. summer come faster.

Casker- Fish

"외로워 질 때 누군가 생각이 날 때 언제든 전화해줘요

이유도 없이 괜시리 눈물이 날 때 언제든 날 불러줘요"

Casker- Hidden Track (A Reply to "Fish")

"긴 시간 우리는 엇갈리기만 했었잖아요

어쩌면 그렇게 상처를 아물며 안될것 뻔히 알면서 사랑할 수 있나요"

I like the response song better than the actual song "Fish". Either way, both of these songs are so raw, so good. Ah.. I wish I can just spare into space forever.. but I must return to the real world. Goodbye.