"Hello, I am an idol. Don't be afraid. It's just me. I notice you're turned off by my name: "Idol." It's okay. I get that a lot. Allow me to rename myself. I'm your family. Your bank account. Your sex life. The people who accept you. Your career. Your self-image. Your ideal spouse. Your law-keeping. I'm whatever you want me to be. I'm what you think about while you drive on the freeway. I'm your anxiety when you lay your head on the pillow. I'm where you turn when you need comfort. I'm what your future cannot live without. When you lose me, you're nothing. When you have me, you're the center of existence. You look up to those who have me. You look down on those who don't. You're controlled by those who offer me. You're furious at those who keep you from me. When I make a suggestion to you, you're compelled. When you cannot gratify me, I consume you. No—I cannot see you, or hear you, or speak back to you. But that's what you like about me. No—I am never quite what you think I am. But that's why you keep coming back. And no—I don't love you. But I'm there for you, whenever you need me. What am I? I think you know by now. You tell me."

- Nicholas McDonald, Hello, I Am An Idol

101417

Gray- I'm Fine

말해줬으면 해 "자랑스럽네" "부끄럽지 않게 너무 잘하고 있네" 라고

Being a try-hard

So I started journaling again. I started on the plane ride to SF about 7 weeks ago when I was re-evaluating my life decisions and plans. Journaling felt like catching up with a friend, trying to fill her/him in on what had happened in my life the last 18 months. Frankly, I was a little upset with myself that I didn't jot down all the thoughts and events during those months, but better late than never, right?

A big life update is that now I'm in San Francisco, not in NYC. I'll write about that more later. But today I want to write about trying hard.

Today in class, my teacher asked me to draw a circle in a rectangle on a piece of paper. In 10 seconds. So in panic, I did this.

And then after, he went on and on about originality, creativity, being exceptional not acceptable, and whatnot. I did the expected. I met the standards. But I didn't exceed.

These are the times I am reminded that I am not naturally creative. A mixture of my cultural, social, gender upbringing and also probably the talent that I'm born with makes me not the most creative, the most outside-the-box-thinking person. On bad days, I doubt this career path. Can I really make the most exceptional, the most outstanding ad/work? Can I stand out in the crowd when what I really like is being lost in the crowd, hiding away in the corner? But at the end of the day, I like what I'm pursuing. And I want to go about it until I am sick and tired of it, if that day comes, that is. And I have to remind myself (after a class like today's), because I'm an Asian-American female (+ the innate personality that I have), I have to try hard. I have to constantly challenge myself and also play to my strengths, which is reading people. I have to constantly find and learn universal truths that will help me find fitting insights for great campaigns/works. That's the only way to get better. It's hard but that's why I have to try hard. 

Similarly, being a good person doesn't come too easily. And I'm not talking about black and white things like, being a murder versus not. I'm talking about decisions when the options are "not necessarily the wrong thing to do" and "but a better thing to do." Sometime this year, my sister and I were talking about a dilemma I had. I was telling her about something I didn't do, because at the end of the day, it wasn't necessary. And to "do" something that "I didn't do" required a lot of emotional energy from me. It was going to be uncomfortable. That's when she told me that when making decisions, to try to imagine what the person you would respect would do. I guess it's like WWJD, but He's too perfect so a toned down version would be a wo/man I would respect. When I thought about someone, a woman I would respect, I realized that when we respect someone, it's coming from a place where we desire to become like that person eventually.

So I sucked it up and did the "better thing to do." And ever since then, I've been mulling over the idea of becoming a person that I myself can respect and have that carry over in my actions. But it's hard. It's really hard. Sometimes, I just want to hide away behind excuses and say, "but, but I don't have to do that." Sometimes I just want to give into my nature and stay in my comfort zone.

And that's how I feel about faith too. Someone once told me that sanctification is like paddling upstream. You constantly have to paddle or else you fall behind. It requires a lot of energy, determination, and discipline.

Right now everything feels like a climb. I'm climbing to be a great creative. I'm climbing to be a woman I would respect. I'm climbing to be more like Him when I'm designed to be far far from perfection. But at the end of the day, there's something called Grace, which I'm eternally grateful for.

082117

그_냥- 너의 밤은 어때

노래 좋다

Rachel Getting Married (2008)

Again, it's a movie that I haven't watched. But maybe I should watch it tonight. Rachel Getting Married (2008) is a movie about Kym (played by Anne Hathaway) who is the black sheep of the family, coming back home for her sister's wedding from a rehab center, and causing a bit of a ruckus.

Haha, I'm not saying that I'm Kym of the family, but sometimes I do feel a little out of place. I've been back in San Francisco for over a week now, and it's been wonderful spending time with my family. My parents being in Seoul, my sisters being in SF, and now me being in NY, it's not easy for all of us to be together at the same time in the same place.

Our family has gotten quite big. From being a family of five, we became a family of six, seven, eight, nine, and now ten. It was one brother in law, then another brother in law, to one nephew, to another nephew, and at last, a niece. The other day, we were all in the living room--my dad playing with Alexis (my niece and his granddaughter), my mom holding onto Ansel (my nephew #2 and her grandson), Asher (my nephew #1) watching The Secret Life of Pets (2016) on the sofa, and Eunice and Shan preparing dinner. Susanna and Eddie were at their 10th anniversary dinner--crazy, I know. As I was observing this scenery, I realized that everyone had moved onto the next stage in their lives, for some, parenthood, and for others, grandparenthood or being empty-nesters. But in that moment, I felt a rush of loneliness kicking in, which was a strange sensation, given that I was with my family.

I feel like my blog is becoming a sappy journal, which is not what I want my blog to turn into, but I do want to document these moments/feelings/realizations to look back on when I'm older. Being the youngest has its blessings. If I could be born again, I actually would choose to be the youngest again. I have two sisters who are a decade ahead of me and they endow me with so much wisdom and insight. A lot of people go out of their way to find mentors in life and/or career, but luckily I was born with two mentors who guide me with so much love and wisdom. But being the youngest also has its lonely moments, especially the one I experienced recently, where I feel like I'm being left behind while they are moving onto realms of life I am nowhere near.

I'm a twenty something year old, trying to figure out her life in the concrete jungle, on the other coast of the country. On good days, my life is exhilarating. I'm living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, perhaps the most vibrant city in the world, studying what I've been wanting to pursue since I was a teenager. But on bad days, I feel like my life is up in the air and every element of my life seems to be fleeting. And as someone who is always planning things ahead, somewhat of a control freak, and future oriented, this very period of my life is anxiety producing and my emotional and spiritual health is constantly being challenged.

Am I good at what I'm pursuing? Is this career the right one for me? Is this city and its community going to be my home for the next few years? There are countless other questions that run through my head, but recently, I was humbled unexpectedly and it put me at peace. It was when I had to put Asher to sleep, and my sister had asked me to pray for him after reading him a couple books. When I started praying for Asher, I had to thank God for every little thing that happened in Asher's day, because for this little boy, every small episode was a big one. For example, I thanked God that he (Asher) was able to make it to church, see Eunice-eemo, Uncle Shan, Alexis, and Jane-eemo (me). Then I thanked God that we were able to make it to Beau's birthday party, had a good time, made it home safely, and saw Habibi and Hamimi (grandpa and grandma, aka my parents) who came from Korea, and that we had a good time as a family. After I finished this prayer, I was humbled because these were things to be thankful for, and when it comes to gratitude, there is no such thing as "small" or "big"; gratitude is just gratitude.

Sometimes I let anxiety and my 20's blues take over me and I forget about His presence. There were so many instances where things could've gone wrong in NY, but I was fine, and those instances could only be justified and made sense with His presence and protection. But even without those crazy episodes, His presence is so obvious. I really need to get in the habit of being grateful and acknowledging that I'm not the author of my life, but rather He is.

Today I'm thankful for:

• Waking up next to Asher, who was sleeping like an angel
• A cup of coffee at Philz
• Catching up with Julie on the phone
• Overall my homies who are still in California but who make the effort to keep in touch via email, texts, call, FaceTime, and/or even visiting me all the way in NYC
• My parents (and family overall) who believe in me, my hard work, and talent 
• A working WiFi.. even though it's kinda spotty haha

I actually want to go on and on but I'll save the never ending list for my journal. 

#감사하면서 살자. 

#내것이 내것이 아니니까 더 열심히 살자. 

#예쁜 삶을 주셨으니까 예쁘게 살자 :)

뽀뽀 from my heartthrob. Look at my # 심쿵 face ~_~

Korean Copywriting

I googled "define copywriting" and this is what came up.

So basically "copy" is the words you see on ads. For example, "Just do it" by Nike is a copy. I don't know why but I am always amused by the way Koreans say certain things.

For example,

"____ (usually some sort of meat or food) 는 언제나 옳다."

or

"기분이 저기압일땐 고기 앞으로 가라."

Below are the ways I applied those things to my life.

Somewhere in Union Square, NY

"$5 pizza 는 언제나 옳다."

Somewhere in Flushing, NY

"기분이 저기압일땐 고기 (닭갈비) 앞으로 가라."

너무 잘 먹는다 요새. #꿀꿀.

Narcissism

Long time ago, while I was having a picnic at the Palace of Versailles (this doesn't even sound real now), my friend V and I talked about what attracts people. We were talking about how people are attracted to their opposites, hence the whole "opposites attract" phrase. We also talked about how people are often attracted to those they are similar to. The more we talked about the latter case, we delved into the idea that this in itself was a sort of narcissism. In a way, people are attracted to people like themselves, meaning they are loving themselves.

Somewhere at the Palace of Versailles, France

As a 23.5 years old, I definitely have found myself being attracted to both cases. I've been attracted to the opposite. I've been attracted to this sense of responsibility, simplicity, stability, some things I feel like I lack. Or I think I embody these characteristics too, but these are definitely not the top three to describe who I am. I've definitely have experienced the synergy of the opposites coming together, like Yin and Yang, but I've also experienced the disconnect and this dimension that cannot be broken into. 

I've also been attracted to ones that are like me. Almost like a twin. A similar temperament, personality, interests, upbringing, the list goes on. And because they are so similar to me, there is this instant connection, hence attraction, but there's something I've realized about myself when it comes to these encounters. 

There is fear.

There is this fear because I feel like I already know the highs and lows of this person. I feel like I know what uplifts them but I also the demons that live inside of them. I know what encourages them but I also know what exactly crushes them. And there is this sense of empathy, like meeting a fellow comrade (or of that sort) in a battle, but I also want to run away because ultimately, I don't want to see a reflection of myself in another person. 

And I guess this is the part where I perhaps lack self-love. But then again, this is what dating is, right? Whoever you end up with, whether it's the opposite version of you or a clone of yourself, ultimately you have to face yourself. 

Recently, I came across a social experiment called 40 Days of Dating which was big in 2013. I remember I read it here and there but never kept up with it. Last night, I re-read the rules and also re-read some of the posts (but not all) and it got me thinking.

Below are the rules:

If you see each other everyday for 40 days, go on dates 3x a week, and not see other people at all but be totally committed to each other, I don't see why people wouldn't fall in love. I mean, I guess this is what the experiment was about after all. I am sorry for the spoiler (sorry Sarah and Vivi if y'all are reading this haha), but the participants don't end up together.

Apparently, even though they didn't stay together right after the experiment because there was no "romantic chemistry", Tim (the male participant) went after Jessica (the female participant), only to find out that he was a little too late. She had already started seeing someone else, and now that guy is her husband today. Ouch. Yikes.

But I don't get it. Does "romantic chemistry" even exist? Don't people just become friends after marriage? Or even throughout the course of a relationship? And if love is about the commitment, then wouldn't this work? But then again, who am I kidding. Then I should be asking myself why people break up, ever, despite the presence of commitment, some sort of physical attraction, and whatnot. But I do think their experiment does work in a sense that if you participate in something like that, you can learn to love the other person. I won't say that you would necessarily fall in love, but I think you can learn to love.

Anyways, dating is complicated. Actually, I think just two human beings mingling, whether it be in the context of family, friends, or romantic relationships, is just complex.

On a different note,

Laura Mvula always reminds me of my time in Paris, 2014. Apparently she's having a free concert sometime this summer in NY! Can't wait to see her live.

Laura Mvula- Green Garden

 Laura Mvula- Little Girl Blue

Campbell Soup

우리가 사랑하는 것은 상대가 운명적인 남자라서가 아니라 석 달 동안 데이트도 못 하고 주말이면 혼자 있어야 했던 외로움 때문에 사랑에 빠지는 거예요. 그러니까 이 사람도 되고 저 사람도 될 수 있고요. 

그 남자를 사랑하는 게 아니라 사랑을 사랑하는 거죠. 

내가 사랑하는 건 그 상대가 아니라 나예요. 

내가 사랑의 이유가 되는 겁니다. 

그 남자의 눈빛, 대화법, 지적인 모습이 아니고요. 만약에 그랬다면 외로움 때문에 그 남자를 선택하지 말았어야 해요. 결국 외로움이 시작인 것이고 우리들 대부분이 이런 사랑을 한다는 겁니다.  

우리는 워홀이 통조림에 했던 발견을 자신에게 해주는 사람을 사랑하게 되기 때문입니다. 아마 통조림은 워홀을 사랑하고 평생의 연인으로 삼을 겁니다. 눈물을 흘릴지도 몰라요. 자기를 그렇게 아름답게 봐준 사람이 처음이니까요. (웃음) 아무도 자기를 중요하게 혹은 예쁘게 안 봐줬어요. 그런데 워홀은 ‘너 대단히 예쁘다’라고 끌어서 액자 속에 걸어놓아줬어요. 사랑의 감정이 쌋트는 것이 다르지 않다는 얘기예요. 우리가 사랑에 빠지는 것은 상대가 다른 누구도 주목해주지 않았던 어떤 부분을 주목해주거나 다른 누구도 알아주지 않았던 진가를 알아줬을 때 사랑에 빠진다는 거죠. 그걸 연결해서 알랭 드 보통은 워홀이 물감으로 한 일과 사랑의 유사점에 대해 또 하나의 이야기를 합니다. 

책은 도끼다 中

#mood

D'Angelo and The Vanguard- Really Love

Surveillance

My life is just projects on top of projects. I can't believe I am wrapping up Week 7 (out of 10 weeks) of this quarter already. I already got my midterm evaluations, having 1:1's with my teachers before final projects begin, and I am also pleasantly surprised that I am this close to being on break and then flying out to SF to see my newborn niece and of course, Mr. Wilson (the love of my life). 

So I've been living in NY for almost 5 months now (WOW already?) and so far so good. People still ask me if I like it out here, and yes, I really do. I might be in my honeymoon phase though (I believe in these things. People can't be IN love for too long, methinks), but yeah I have to embrace the fact that so far I can't imagine living anywhere else. Well maybe SF/Portland, but not now, haha.

One of the things I like about living in NY is, things like this happen. I am causally at The High Line for a project with my classmate, and we see Yoko Ono casually walking along. My classmate J and I exchange looks, and he's like "That's Yoko Ono." And I'm like "Yeah I thought I was crazy to think that it's her, but I think it's her too." And we casually follow her and joking around that this is for our past "Surveillance" project.

Two weeks ago (ish) J and I was given a photography assignment to "follow" someone, like a stalker/paparazzi, and take photos of that person. My teacher was inspired by Sophie Calle.

Photos by Sophie Calle

And for this assignment, I was inspired by In The Mood For Love and also The Age of Shadows and decided to take my photos in Chinatown. 

Chinatown, NY

For this very specific project, I was my own subject, which I was very uncomfortable with because it's not everyday that someone follows you and takes photos of you. Unless you are a celebrity. But then recently, I came across these videos of myself on Photobooth. Before I learned that there's a voice recording function on Word, I used to record videos of myself in lectures I needed to take good notes in. Haha. I usually did that for my comparative literature class, which was very discussion heavy and just heavy overall. It was interesting to watch these videos again, mostly of me falling asleep or looking confused or at times offended by some of the comments made in class.

I guess I already had a surveillance project going on.

Enjoy.

1. LOL at the thumbnails

2. Me looking very amused

Me. Eating.

1. Why do I look like I never brush my hair? Probably because I never brush my hair.
2. Me. Paying attention.

Me. In my zone.

p.s.: I miss UCLA. Just a little.

Week 6, Saturday, 1:49am

I have class in 8 hours.

Meaning I have to leave the house in 7.5 hours.

Meaning I have to wake up in 7 hours. Latest.

Anyways I booked my flight to SF for spring break this morning. It really doesn't feel too long ago since I was in SF living as Wilson's personal butler. But 6 weeks have flew by and now in a month, I am flying back "home" again.

The quarter system does keep people busy. I know some people prefer the semester system because they think it's impossible to cram everything into ten weeks. I do agree. 10 weeks is a stretch. But if I were to choose between the quarter system and the semester system, I would choose the quarter system. Something about the quarter system seems more packed and more lively, and it just makes more sense. Why would you go on spring break or whatever knowing that you have exams to worry about afterwards? No.

Anyways, just like the times at UCLA, my time at ad school is flying by. I am more than halfway done with the quarter, and I am closer to spring than I am to winter. Wow.

One of my favorite DJ's released a song from his upcoming album today.

FKJ- Skyline

It's so good.

It makes me want to ride a bike too.

Carefree.

By Han River.

I am excited for his new album.

And his concert end of next month.

Hehe.

Here are my favorites by FKJ:

(I finally learned how to embed Spotify music HAHA)

Me. Assignments. Night.

Thank you FKJ for keeping me company during these long long nights.

Goodnight world.

A common theme

Not too long ago I was just scrolling down my blog reading what I have been writing about in the past and realized that there's a common theme to my posts. It's home. 

The concept of home is a confusing one for me. I moved around so many times and because of that it's really hard to say where I am really from. It's hard to define geographically, it's hard to define ethnically, culturally--am I Korean? Am I American? Am I a "gyopo"?--you name it. 

When people ask me where I am from, I usually say I am from Seoul and San Francisco (I only say this because sometimes people don't know where Berkeley is). But the thing is, when I am in Seoul, I want to be in NorCal. When I am in NorCal, I want to go back to Seoul. But this past winter break, I actually found myself wanting to go back to New York after awhile haha. 

I guess I am always missing "home" even when I am "home". 

Recently I was just talking about random things with a fairly new friend and after awhile that friend pointed out and said "Hey I think you're looking for a home in a person." It wasn't that I wasn't aware of the fact that I was missing a home. But I realized that not only was I looking for a home geographically but also in a person. And also that my search for a home is something that can be read, if paid attention to. 

A screenshot that the friend sent me after that conversation

"Some people have to leave home to find their home"

This past weekend, my parents visited from SF/Seoul. It was a really short trip, arriving on Saturday morning and leaving tonight (Sunday evening). When they were initially planning the trip, I told them it was okay not to visit because I knew it was going to be a hassle for them. Even as a twenty something year old, the flight to/from CA to NY is pretty exhausting. But they insisted, even if it was only going to be for less than two days, and they came. When I saw them at JFK all bundled up in their coats and scarves from SF, it felt unreal. And when I welcomed them to my apartment, it felt even more unreal. 

I've lived in seven different dorms/apartments since I've left home for college and my mom has never been to any of them until this one. And because it was her first time, I cleaned up the apartment to the best of my ability, but the first thing my mom saw was the dust collected in the corners of my apartment (oops). She gasped in that moment and "kicked me out" of the apartment and commissioned me to go buy a vacuum cleaner ASAP. In the freezing weather, I somehow found an appliances store and bought a vacuum cleaner on my own for the first time. When I grudgingly brought the vacuum home, my parents started vacuuming and mopping the whole apartment. It was a rare sight, first, seeing my parents in my living quarters, and second, my parents cleaning my living quarters. After all that was over, my mom then asked if I wanted gal-bee-jjim or bul-go-gi, and that she would make some for me. I said it was really okay and that I never starve (true story) so she doesn't need to prep me any food. 

The new powerful friend, Dyson

After all that chaos, we got ready and went out to Brooklyn to eat steak. And after a perfect meal, we went to Central Park. And then Herald Square. And then this little cafe that sells ho-dduk in K-Town. And then watched The Book of Mormon. And then called it a day. 

날이 좋아서 @ Peter Luger's

The Book of Mormon

Today, we all went to church together. And then came back to my place and just decompressed until they had to head out to the airport. Dad was flipping through the channels out in the living room. Mom and I were catching up on my bed and both fell asleep. When I woke up and saw my mom sleeping next to me, in my bed, in New York, it just felt like a dream. And when Mom and I both woke up, with one hour left until they had to leave, Dad left to walk around the neighborhood. When he came back, he brought back our family's favorite, Häagen-Dazs ice cream, and said he couldn't find the meat for bulgogi at the market. And after some time, it was time to go, and they left. 

Post post-church-nap haha

It's always been hard to say goodbye to my parents, but this one was devastating. Saying goodbye just seems to get harder and harder as I get older. It almost feels like I am aging backwards, becoming more and more attached to them. 

When I was in college, I was always envious of my apartment mates who would bring home banchan and gook from home that their mom would prepare for them. It's not that I would starve or eat poorly (I ate too well haha) and it actually motivated me to cook more, but I was just envious that they had a mom back "home" looking out for them.

When I started brewing my own coffee, I wished that one day my dad and I would get to drink the coffee I brewed together at home and laugh at those days I used to hate coffee and throw up at the smell of coffee. These opportunities were hard to find and more so now because I moved to the east coast, but these came when they were the least expected. And it really just all feels like a dream. 

The cup of coffee my dad left behind

Even though coming back to an empty apartment after Mom and Dad left was sad, for some reason, my now "home" in NY feels more like home now. And I feel more at peace. It's as though my desperate and unsettling search for a home has come to a halt because I've been reminded that I do have a home and that there are people who care for me and love me. To the point that they will carve out a whole weekend just for me. To feed me. To make my home a more sanitary place haha. 

But I know this will always be a common theme in my life. I know that my family will always be apart and I know that I will always crave this type of nurturing, looking out for each other, haven-like love. And I know that (as morbid as it sounds) my parents can't always be there for me and that my partner can't always provide this type of love.

내 이상형: tall, dark, and handsome (and holy)

Ultimately I will never be home. Until I am Home. But I am thankful for these rare times I feel so wholesomely loved and taste what it feels like to be Home.

Katie Kim- YH Bridge

엄마 아빠 우리 행복하자

011717

Heize- Underwater

Suzy- 행복한 척

노래 좋다