Discovering old songs

brb

Nouvelle Vague- This is not a Love Song

#mood

Téo- Selfless-ish (prod. J Dilla)

thoughts on this year's elections/history/sociology/etc--still a draft

Currently stuck at Starbucks here in Flushing because my phone decided to die on me. So now I am charging my phone via my laptop, and I should finish this draft, might as well.

So it's been almost a week since the Election Day and the establishment that Donald Trump is the elected president of the United States. This election was one dramatic one and one that evoked so many emotions and conversations.

Like the rest of my "friends" on social media, in the end, I was "with her", and I really believed that Hillary was going to win. I mean c'mon, we are talking about a candidate who devoted her lifetime for the people versus a candidate who was offending people left and right. Plus, there was no one, no one, amongst my circle of friends who was supporting Trump anyways. But like everyone else, I had to face the reality that more than half the country was supporting Trump.

I think that was the moment it was emphasized to me that I am a minority here. Yes, I know by term I am a "minority", but it's really hard to feel that way when you are living in California, especially in Los Angeles. Having attended UCLA, "You See Lots of Asians", I never really felt like a minority.

2012 election results county by county

But I forgot about those red states. I forgot about states like Indiana! I used to live in Muncie, Indiana in 2004 when my mom was earning her PhD. It was my first time living permanently in the states, and I remember it being overall a wonderful experience. It was in the middle of nowhere, and being surrounded by forests and fields, I spent most of my time riding bikes or chasing after bunnies (I am not joking). It was my first and last time getting to experience the typical "American childhood" I would see on tv/movies. But what I forgot was how my classmates used to touch my face and asking me why my nose bridge was so flat. I also forgot the rows after rows of lawn signs supporting Bush. And what I repressed was the memory of one of my classmates (I think his name was Nick but I might be wrong) getting bullied because he wore a button supporting Kerry. Soon after the 2004 election, I moved to Berkeley, and that was quite a change. Instead of seeing lawn signs supporting Bush, I saw those signs and bumper stickers for Kerry.

“Consider a white ninth-grade student taking American history in a predominantly middle-class town in Vermont. Her father tapes Sheetrock, earning an income that in slow construction seasons leaves the family quite poor. Her mother helps out by driving a school bus part-time, in addition to taking care of her two younger siblings. The girl lives with her family in a small house, a winterized former summer cabin, while most of her classmates live in large suburban homes. How is this girl to understand her poverty? Since history textbooks present the American past as four hundred years of progress and portray our society as a land of opportunity in which folks get what they deserve and deserve what they get, the failures of working-class Americans to transcend their class origin inevitably get laid at their own doorsteps.” 
― James W. Loewen, Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong

For the time being, everyone read this-- Behind 2016's Turmoil, a Crisis of White Identity (<-- click)

"If you are a working-class white person and you fear that the new, cosmopolitan world will destroy or diminish an identity you cherish, you have no culturally acceptable way to articulate what you perceive as a crisis."

"There will not likely be a return to the whiteness of social dominance and exclusive national identity. Immigration cannot be halted without damaging Western nations' economies; immigrants who have already arrived cannot be expelled en masse without causing social and moral damage. And the other groups who seem to be "cutting in line" are in fact getting a chance at progress that was long denied them."

"Western whites have a place within their nations' new, broader national identities. But unless they accept it, the crisis of whiteness seems likely to continue."

----to be cont'd

#mood

Saba- Photosynthesis (feat. Jean Deaux)

My recent obsession pt. ii

Where do I find a man like Barack.. like where. 

11377

Hello readers!

It's been a while since my last post, ranting about how deprived I am of dogs. That hasn't changed haha. But what has changed is that I no longer live in Westwood, California, studying at UCLA/working at Hammer Museum. Now I live in the other coast of the country, New York, studying again, this time art direction and not sociology. Today marks 3 weeks since I've left LA, which I find to be unbelievable. I also find it unbelievable that I will be in flying into SF in a couple days to see my sisters, Asher, and of course, the love of my life, Mr. Wilson. Time flies. Even though I should be sleeping right now (it's past midnight and I am a grandma), I thought I should leave some sort of record of my first few weeks in NY (and also because I promised Sarah hehe hi Sarah!).

Central Park taken by Amy Ahn

I've heard of a lot of mixed reviews about NY from Californians before visiting and moving to NY. Some said "NY is so dirty and it's crazy" and some said "NY is amazing! It's my dream to move out there." It really seemed like a hit-or-miss and that was one of the reasons why I had to check out this city for myself before committing to moving here. When I was visiting, there were definitely those negative "omg" moments like the stench of Chinatown, the huge garbage bags just stacked out in the streets--which I still don't understand btw--and the absence of excessive kindness. But there were also those amazing "omg" moments, which is the reason why I am here after all.

So here are the reasons why I like/love being in NY.

1. I am pursuing something I love (I will write more about school in the next post) 

It sounds all hippie but it makes such a difference. I am finally pursuing something I have been wanting to since I was in high school and to finally do that after 4+4 years of high school and undergrad, it is rewarding and monumental..!

2. It's a city that never sleeps and the center of everything (as narcissistic as it sounds)

Except for perhaps tech, everything else like art, music, fashion, finance, you name it, is here. There's always something going on in NY. It's not that I go to every one of these things--I don't and I haven't--but this trait of NY is exciting and is definitely something I want to make the most of. (ex. museums, galleries, shows, concerts, restaurants, cafes, etc.)

3. I have my own room finally!

I haven't had a room to myself ever since I left home for college and to have my room all to myself after those four years feels AMAZING. Enough said.

4. Pumpkin spice latte actually tastes good

Just kidding. I never get PSL but drinks like apple cider or even coffee actually tastes good. Sad music actually sounds sad and appropriate (currently listening to Kings of Convenience as I am writing). And fall actually feels like fall and I appreciate this change of season after being in a season-less state for the last four years. But who knows, I might hate it so much once winter comes around. Ahaha... 

5. I am a pedestrian, once again!

Many said they didn't like this about NY but I actually appreciate it a lot. Of course I miss those late night drives by myself with some good songs to listen to but I do not miss the the responsibility of having a car like maintenance, street laws, parking, etc. And! I can still listen to good songs on the subway :) When the subway/bus fails, I also like having the option of just walking everywhere and anywhere!

z Z z Z z okay I finally feel zZzQuil kicking in and I think I should sleep. For now, good night!

- to be cont'd

My recent obsession

... watching videos of the Obamas

Am I deprived?

So yesterday, while I was waiting for my bagel at Noah’s Bagel (oh you’ve been so faithful), I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed and saw the cat of my dreams. Yes, the cat of my dreams, not the man of my dreams (insert sad crying but laughing face emoji). And as always, I went a little crazy. I found out its breed, looked for litters in California and New York, called one of the litters, and asked whether a kitten was available to adopt. At this point, I had my bagel in my hand, munching on it with some dark dark coffee, satisfying both my deprived soul and stomach. I asked for a gray kitten and the lady on the phone kind of freaked out on me. She was like “actually it’s not gray. It’s cold blue.” And I was like “Oh I am sorry. I am not too familiar with cats in general.” And then she went on and on how Cold Blue is the official name of the color.. gray. I felt a little discouraged--yes I know I am a dog girl but like I am trying to find a realistic pet option to meet my needy and deprived self and now I just feel like a fool who is trying to get herself into something she should not get into which is partially, actually, very true but I just did not need the series of patronizing comments and whatnot. Anyways, I found out that the price I need to pay for the savior of my deprived self was $2000 something dollars and I called it quits. I mean, two.thousand.dollars.are.you.serious.

Ever since my best furry friend Mr. Wilson left the cozy apartment of Westwood, it’s been a little lonely. Life got busy with finishing up winter quarter, traveling to Portland, struggling with spring quarter, just getting ready to graduate, and whatnot.. But I think all those events in life could have been fuller if Mr. Wilson was around. Sigh.

Right now life has been, wake up, get breakfast at Starbucks via its app (btw so great and so efficient), work, go home, eat dinner, catch up on shows or move/throw out stuff here and there. It’s mundane but also full of events (idk how else to describe it), but I see myself missing a furry animal I can just love on and fall asleep next to when there are a million thoughts going through my head.

Mr. Wilson sleeping while I pull an all nighter

The twenties is definitely an unsettling one. I am 22 turning 23 in about 3 months, and it’s a relief that I am still in my early twenties but also daunting that I am nowhere near being in a stable place. I am a post-grad who is luckily at an internship which she loves but also needs to wrap things up within 3 weeks. I am an aspiring art director but there is no acceptance letter yet to the program. I have about all my projects completed except for one but I am an insecure and unnecessarily perfectionist-creative who can’t get herself to just start on that last project that’s stopping herself from applying. I am a friend of some, not too many, comfortable in her little bubble, and needs to accept that things are not going to be the same, for better or for worse, once she moves from this city of angels. Everything seems to be going in the right direction but at the same time everything seems to be going everywhere and I am just lost in this time of roaring twenties.

My sister once said that “I would not go back to twenties because when you are in your twenties, you are the most beautiful and attractive on the outside but you are the most insecure in the inside.”

It’s true. There’s a war inside. I am constantly arguing with myself when it comes to desires, hopes, careers, relationships, etc. I am constantly discouraging myself but also encouraging myself. There is just a lot of opposite forces fighting each other.

And perhaps that is the reason why I am just craving this living being that can just love me blindly without seeing all the war going within me. Just to love me because I am.. home! Haha.

Believe it or not, despite my craze for a dog or a cat I guess, I’ve been really good about not freaking people out by running toward the pet and the owner and obsessing over the dog for like.. 10 minutes. Now even when I see beautiful dogs, I just appreciate them from afar and move on. It’s a real progress. I feel like I am growing up haha.

I guess for now, I just need to get my source of dog-therapy from obsessively liking photos on Instagram to occasionally petting dogs once in awhile. Also, Mr. Wilson is still around so I don’t think it’s right to get another friend. I think he will be jealous.

Anyhoo, I am driving up this weekend to see my sisters, Asher, and of course, Mr. Wilson, and I am really looking forward to it. A lot of time to think, maybe too much time which is kind of daunting, but also will be a solid alone/me-time. Last time I’ve done this drive, Mr. Wilson was with me though. Sigh. I miss him.

Last time Mr. Wilson and I drove up to SF together

"I don't believe in long distance relationships"

is something I say a lot but often times I find myself in them. Haha.

Disclaimer* this is not about romantic relationships. I don't have much to comment when it comes to those.

Two days ago, it was Mother's Day in the states and Parents' Day in the motherland. I've been used to this whole deal of being motherless and fatherless (yeah I'm being dramatic), but maybe because I've been missing my parents so much these days, I felt a little sad. But it's okay, I couldn't even wallow in my sadness for too long because midterms took over my life and I had to be stuck at Powell for hours.

Like I said before, I find myself in long distance relationships a lot.

My parents live in Seoul, Korea.

My sisters live in San Francisco (one of them used to be in Hong Kong until January of this year).

I myself am always abroad whether it be Korea/Europe/Missions.

And the phenomenon about long distance relationships is that the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is indeed true. It's only after I moved out of home that I truly appreciate my parents (hence the previous post). I've also noticed that my friend S and I actually keep in touch a lot more when we are in different continents. Even with a short distance, I see relationships being a lot more intentional. My friends, S, A, and I don't live near each other, so we've designated Friday mornings to grab a meal and catch up. And because we know that if it's not Friday mornings, we cannot see each other, we always prioritize our rendezvous on Friday mornings.

But what I've learned about long distance relationships too is that with distance, you miss out on the little details of each other's lives. This is especially true for the case of my parents and me. My parents always ask me "How are you doing Jane?" via Kakao/email/on the phone but I often find myself just saying "응 난 잘 지내~ 걱정마 (I am doing well~ Don't worry about me)".

I encompass all the little ups and downs I've been going through under this one phrase, "I am doing well. Don't worry about me." I leave out the little details like how I felt misunderstood and so alone this one day and just wanted a big fat hug from my dad. I intentionally don't mention the fact that I've been sick here and there throughout the last few weeks because it's going to do no good for my mom. And often times I fail to tell them that I still miss them and need them like a little kid and that I am tired of pretending to be an adult, but instead I just say "응 난 잘지내~ 걱정마."

Yeah it's not not true that I am doing well and that they shouldn't worry about me. Really, they shouldn't haha. But I guess it saddens me a little that I am growing up, that we are all growing up, and they can't really be there to witness it.

But it's okay :'). I am still so very grateful for the times we get to spend together. One more month!!

Below is a cover done by my very talented friend Vivian! Everyone should go listen to her!

Vivian Byeon- Mama Don't Worry (Cover)

서울의 밤 바다 건너의 밤

멀리 있어도 우린 행복해

보고싶은 밤 모두 궁금한 밤

어디 있어도 우린 행복해

And now I should go back to reality and write my midterm paper.. Goodbye!

As I was scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook

I came across a status update from someone who attends my church in Korea and who also had recently gotten married. It was about how even though she now lives in Daejon (about 100 miles from Seoul), she still gets to stay at her parent's place (her former home) once a week because of the school she attends in Seoul (or something like that). And she was saying how strange it was that even though her room is still there, it is pretty much empty and that all her belongings and basically life are now in Daejon, her new home. And she proceeded to share these sights of her dad falling asleep to television or her mom cutting more fruit than she could eat and how she didn't realize these were sights she was going to miss until now--3 or 4 months into marriage.

The difference about being a college student/young adult in Korea is that majority of the people stay home throughout college and even afterwards. I've met very little people who decided to leave the nest while attending college, especially if they were attending a university located in Seoul. That being said, as I was reading about how the author of the status was going through this change of scenery in her life as she got married, I got to think about how I've left home ever since I went to college and that the likeliness of living with my parents again is very.. little.

I think when I was applying to colleges in the states, I knew I was moving out of home, but the idea of living in the states again was more dominating than the reality that once I moved out, that would be it. Like the girl who wrote the status, there are times I reminisce living under my parents' roof. Recently, I went to Urth Caffe with my church small group and someone ordered this vegetable juice. I got to take a sip of it and remembered how I used to drink this kale juice my mom would make every morning. There was also a time when I could see/talk to my dad whenever I wanted instead of emailing him to call me and wait for his call (because he refuses to create a Kakao account, for good reasons though).

There was a time everything was pretty much taken care of. Not that I am a self-sufficient adult right now, but I do miss the convenience of not having to clean my own room (haha), not having to pay for water and power, WiFi, and parking spot, and not cooking for myself (even though I thoroughly enjoy cooking but it's hard to afford the time to make gourmet dishes all the time, you know?).

Sometimes when I brew coffee, I wish my dad was around so he could taste my coffee and enjoy our pastries together. Or sometimes when the weather is nice, I wish I could go on a drive with my mom.

It's just the little things. It's always the little things.

Even though it is not in any of my near future plans to move back to Korea and study/work there, I do entertain how it would be if I were to actually move back in with my parents. I get to experience it once a year when I visit over winter break, but I know living with them again as a permanent resident versus being a "guest" (oh this is sad) is a different story. Interestingly enough, I've been surrounded by a couple friends in my life who moved back home after work/grad school and share how good it is but also how frustrating it is too.

When I hear of those good and also bad times, I am reminded again that living with my parents will never be the same, especially after being "independent" for the last four years. For example, I don't think I can honor the curfew of coming home by 9:30pm anymore. I am not a night owl but 9:30pm? C'mon haha. But it does sadden me that the season of being under my parents' roof and care has passed... before I knew it. Like fully realized it.

This soundtrack = #parents #korea #family

The Return of the Prodigal Son pt. ii

Part II: The Elder Son

5. The Elder Son Leaves

Standing with Clasped Hands

• ... but the one who stayed home also became a lost man. Exteriorly he did all the things a good son is supposed to do, but, interiorly, he wandered away from his father. He did his duty, worked hard every day, and fulfilled all his obligations but became increasingly unhappy and unfree. 

Lost in Resentment

• ... obedience and duty have become a burden, and service has become slavery. 
• The lostness of the elder son, however, is much harder to identify. After all, he did all the right things. He was obedient, dutiful, law-abiding, and hardworking. People respected him, admired him, praised him, and likely considered him a model son. Outwardly, the elder son was faultless ... Suddenly, there become glaringly visible a resentful, proud, unkind, selfish person

Without Joy

• Often I catch myself complaining about little rejections, little impoliteness, little negligences. Time and time again I discover within me that murmuring, whining, grumbling, lamenting, and griping that go on and on even against my will. 
• The tragedy is that, often, the complaint, once expressed, leads to that which is most feared: further rejection. 

An Open-ended Question

• Unlike a fairy tale, the parable provides no happy ending. 
• ... my resentments and complaints are mysteriously tied to such praiseworthy attitudes. This connection often makes me despair. At the very moment I want to speak or act out of my most generous self, I get caught in anger or resentment. And it seems that just as I want to be most selfless, I find myself obsessed about being loved. Just when I do my utmost accomplish a task well, I find myself questioning why others do not give themselves as I do. Just when I think I am capable of overcoming my temptations, I feel envy toward those who gave in to theirs. It seems that wherever my virtuous self is, there also is the resentful complainer. 
• ... my own true poverty. 

6. The Elder Son's Return

A Possible Conversion

• The Father's love does not force itself on the beloved. Although he wants to heal us of all our inner darkness, we are still free to make our own choice to stay in the darkness or to step into the light of God's love. God is there. God's light is there. God's forgiveness is there. God's boundless love is there. What is so clear is that God is always there, always ready to give and forgive, absolutely independent of our response. God's love does not depend on our repentance or our inner or outer changes.

Letting Go of Rivalry

• It often seems that the more I try to disentangle myself from the darkness, the darker it becomes ... But my true freedom I cannot fabricate for myself. That must be given to me. I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the shepherd who goes out to me.
• ... allows me to let my dad be no less than the good, loving, but limited human being he is, and to let my heavenly Father be the God whose unlimited, unconditional love melts away all resentments and anger and makes me free to love beyond the need to please or find approval. 

Through Trust Gratitude

• "God isn't really interested in me, he prefers the repentant sinner who comes home after his wild escapades. He doesn't pay attention to me who has never left the house. He takes me for granted. I am not his favorite son. I don't expect him to give me what I really want."
• It requires a real discipline to step over my chronic discipline and to think, speak, and act with the conviction that I am being sought and will be found. Without such discipline, I become prey to self-perpetuating hopelessness.
• I must totally disown my self-rejecting voice and claim the truth that God does indeed want to embrace me as much as he does my wayward brothers and sisters.
• Gratitude, however, goes beyond the "mine" and "thine" and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift ... The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.
• There is an Esotnian proverb that says: "Who does not thank for little will not thank for much." Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace.
• At many points I have to make a leap of faith to let trust and gratitude have a chance: to write a gentle letter to someone who will not forgive me, make a call to someone who has rejected me, speak a word of healing to someone who cannot do the same.
• The leap of faith always means loving without expecting to be loved in return, giving without wanting to receive, inviting without hoping to be invited, holding without asking to be held. And every time I make a little leap, I catch a glimpse of the One who runs out to me and invites me into his joy, the joy in which I can find not only myself, but also my brothers and sisters. Thus the disciplines of trust and gratitude reveal the God who searches for me, burning with desire to take away all my resentments and complaints and to let me sit at his side at the heavenly banquet. 

I am not going to lie, I low-key regretted a little for highlighting too much while typing this out. But oh well, I want to share!! Pt. iii coming up soon!!

The Return of the Prodigal Son

In the previous post, I said I would post about how life has been, or I guess in this case, how life had been, with my dog, Mr. Wilson, but I found myself wanting to share what I have been learning and contemplating on the last few weeks or even months. 

Currently, I am reading a book called The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen with my small group at church. The author expands on the very well known parable, the Prodigal Son, reflecting on not only the younger, the prodigal son, but also the elder son, and at last, the father. It was through this book that I realized it's even possible to relate myself to a character other than the prodigal son. There are other epiphanies, realizations, and confirmations that I would like to share, but I will save them for later when I actually finish reading/discussing the book. 

BUT I did want to share some quotes I highlighted throughout my read. I highlight a lot--I carry over 10 highlighters with me in my backpack haha--so you might be a little overwhelmed, but no harm in sharing, right? 

Prologue: Encountering with a Painting 

The Event

• I knew even less about announcing the Gospel of Jesus to people who listened more with their hearts than with their minds and who were far more sensitive to what I lived than to what I said.
• But had I, myself, really ever dared to step into the center, kneel down , and let myself be held by a forgiving God?
• ... but I had never fully given up the role of bystander ... taking the position of one of the four figures surrounding the divine embrace ... they all represent different ways of not getting involved ... but all of them are ways of not getting directly involved. 
• It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust. 
• And still, I knew that I would never be able to live the great commandment to love without allowing myself to be loved without conditions or prerequisites. 

The Vision

• ... the journey I most feared because I knew that God was a jealous lover who wanted every part of me all the time. When would I be ready to accept that kind of love?

Part I: The Younger Son

1. Rembrandt and the Younger Son

• ... painful realization that all the glory he (Rembrandt) had gathered for himself proved to be vain glory.

2. The Younger Son Leaves

A Radical Rejection

• ... our brokenness may appear beautiful, but our brokenness has no other beauty but the beauty that comes from the compassion that surrounds it.
• The father's touching the so is an everlasting blessing; the son resting against his father's breast is an eternal peace.

Deaf to the Voice of Love

• Having "received without charge," I can "give without charge."
• As the Beloved, I am free to live and give life, free also to die while giving life.
• Faith is the radical trust that home has always been here and always will be there.
• Yet over and over again I left home ... This is the great tragedy of my life ... Somehow I have become deaf to the voice that calls me the Beloved, have left the only place where I can hear the voice, and have gone off desperately hoping that I would find somewhere else what I could no longer find at home.
• They (other voices) suggest that I am not going to be loved without my having earned it through determined efforts and hard work ... They deny loudly that love is a totally free gift. 
• Parents, friends, and teachers, even those who speak to me through the media, are mostly very sincere in their concerns. Their warnings and advice are well intended. In fact, they can be limited human expressions of an unlimited divine love. 
• ... I come to the disconcerting discovery that there are very few moments during my day when I am really free from these dark emotions, passions, and feelings. 
• All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One on whom God's favor rests.

Searching Where It Cannot Be Found

• At issue here is the question: "To whom do I belong? To God or the world?" Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for the survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me. 
• As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs" ... There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional.
• I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found. 
• I am constantly surprised at how I keep taking the gifts God has given me--my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts--and keep  using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for my rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of God.  

3. The Younger Son's Return

Being Lost

• He has become like a slave.
• The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.
• When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me.
• And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me.
• My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul.

Claiming Childhood

• ... it was the loss of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. 
• ... no human being would ever be able to give the love I craved, that no friendship, no intimate relationship, no community would ever be able to satisfy the deepest needs of my wayward heart. 
• Indeed, it is a question of life or death. Do we accept the rejection of the world that imprisons us, or do we claim the freedom of the children of God? We must choose.
• Peter, in the midst of his despair, claimed it and returned with many tears. Judas chose death. Peter chose life.
• There are always countless events and situations that I can single out to convince myself and others that my life is just not worth living, that I am only a burden, a problem, a source of conflict, or an exploiter of other people's time and energy. Many people live with this dark, inner sense of themselves ... They have given up faith in their original goodness and, thus, also in their father who has given them their humanity. 
• But when God created man and woman in his own image, he saw that "it was very good," and, despite the dark voices, no man or woman can ever change that. 
• ... that where my failings are great, "grace is always greater."
• Belief in total, absolute forgiveness does not come readily.

The Long Way Home

• One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God's forgiveness ... Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome ... Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing.  
• As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away, or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father. 
• Being a child is living toward a second innocence: ... but the innocence that is reached through conscious choices.
• These words (Beatitudes) present a portrait of the child of God. It is a self-portrait of Jesus, the Beloved Son. 

The True Prodigal

• I am touching here the mystery that Jesus himself became the prodigal son for our sake. He left the house of his heavenly Father, came to a foreign country, gave away all that he had, and returned through his cross to his Father's home. All of this he did, not as a rebellious son, but as the obedient son, sent out to bring home all the lost children of God. 
• The young man being embraced by the Father is no longer just one repentant sinner, but the whole of humanity returning to God ... It becomes the summary of the history of our salvation. 

I have yet to read Part II: The Elder Son and Part III: The Father, but I will update as soon as I do! Also, on the note of parenting and the parable of The Prodigal Son, I would recommend this sermon (click "sermon"). I watched/listened to it more than 3 times already, but it's really insightful, sobering, encouraging, and all that good stuff. 

When your dad keeps asking you to

send him updates on the family dog, and you write your family a long email of what went down the last four weeks and realize that you only have one hour left to study for your quiz..

Priorities.

That being said, a new post coming up! Soon, hopefully.