Narcissism

Long time ago, while I was having a picnic at the Palace of Versailles (this doesn't even sound real now), my friend V and I talked about what attracts people. We were talking about how people are attracted to their opposites, hence the whole "opposites attract" phrase. We also talked about how people are often attracted to those they are similar to. The more we talked about the latter case, we delved into the idea that this in itself was a sort of narcissism. In a way, people are attracted to people like themselves, meaning they are loving themselves.

Somewhere at the Palace of Versailles, France

As a 23.5 years old, I definitely have found myself being attracted to both cases. I've been attracted to the opposite. I've been attracted to this sense of responsibility, simplicity, stability, some things I feel like I lack. Or I think I embody these characteristics too, but these are definitely not the top three to describe who I am. I've definitely have experienced the synergy of the opposites coming together, like Yin and Yang, but I've also experienced the disconnect and this dimension that cannot be broken into. 

I've also been attracted to ones that are like me. Almost like a twin. A similar temperament, personality, interests, upbringing, the list goes on. And because they are so similar to me, there is this instant connection, hence attraction, but there's something I've realized about myself when it comes to these encounters. 

There is fear.

There is this fear because I feel like I already know the highs and lows of this person. I feel like I know what uplifts them but I also the demons that live inside of them. I know what encourages them but I also know what exactly crushes them. And there is this sense of empathy, like meeting a fellow comrade (or of that sort) in a battle, but I also want to run away because ultimately, I don't want to see a reflection of myself in another person. 

And I guess this is the part where I perhaps lack self-love. But then again, this is what dating is, right? Whoever you end up with, whether it's the opposite version of you or a clone of yourself, ultimately you have to face yourself. 

Recently, I came across a social experiment called 40 Days of Dating which was big in 2013. I remember I read it here and there but never kept up with it. Last night, I re-read the rules and also re-read some of the posts (but not all) and it got me thinking.

Below are the rules:

If you see each other everyday for 40 days, go on dates 3x a week, and not see other people at all but be totally committed to each other, I don't see why people wouldn't fall in love. I mean, I guess this is what the experiment was about after all. I am sorry for the spoiler (sorry Sarah and Vivi if y'all are reading this haha), but the participants don't end up together.

Apparently, even though they didn't stay together right after the experiment because there was no "romantic chemistry", Tim (the male participant) went after Jessica (the female participant), only to find out that he was a little too late. She had already started seeing someone else, and now that guy is her husband today. Ouch. Yikes.

But I don't get it. Does "romantic chemistry" even exist? Don't people just become friends after marriage? Or even throughout the course of a relationship? And if love is about the commitment, then wouldn't this work? But then again, who am I kidding. Then I should be asking myself why people break up, ever, despite the presence of commitment, some sort of physical attraction, and whatnot. But I do think their experiment does work in a sense that if you participate in something like that, you can learn to love the other person. I won't say that you would necessarily fall in love, but I think you can learn to love.

Anyways, dating is complicated. Actually, I think just two human beings mingling, whether it be in the context of family, friends, or romantic relationships, is just complex.

On a different note,

Laura Mvula always reminds me of my time in Paris, 2014. Apparently she's having a free concert sometime this summer in NY! Can't wait to see her live.

Laura Mvula- Green Garden

 Laura Mvula- Little Girl Blue

Campbell Soup

우리가 사랑하는 것은 상대가 운명적인 남자라서가 아니라 석 달 동안 데이트도 못 하고 주말이면 혼자 있어야 했던 외로움 때문에 사랑에 빠지는 거예요. 그러니까 이 사람도 되고 저 사람도 될 수 있고요. 

그 남자를 사랑하는 게 아니라 사랑을 사랑하는 거죠. 

내가 사랑하는 건 그 상대가 아니라 나예요. 

내가 사랑의 이유가 되는 겁니다. 

그 남자의 눈빛, 대화법, 지적인 모습이 아니고요. 만약에 그랬다면 외로움 때문에 그 남자를 선택하지 말았어야 해요. 결국 외로움이 시작인 것이고 우리들 대부분이 이런 사랑을 한다는 겁니다.  

우리는 워홀이 통조림에 했던 발견을 자신에게 해주는 사람을 사랑하게 되기 때문입니다. 아마 통조림은 워홀을 사랑하고 평생의 연인으로 삼을 겁니다. 눈물을 흘릴지도 몰라요. 자기를 그렇게 아름답게 봐준 사람이 처음이니까요. (웃음) 아무도 자기를 중요하게 혹은 예쁘게 안 봐줬어요. 그런데 워홀은 ‘너 대단히 예쁘다’라고 끌어서 액자 속에 걸어놓아줬어요. 사랑의 감정이 쌋트는 것이 다르지 않다는 얘기예요. 우리가 사랑에 빠지는 것은 상대가 다른 누구도 주목해주지 않았던 어떤 부분을 주목해주거나 다른 누구도 알아주지 않았던 진가를 알아줬을 때 사랑에 빠진다는 거죠. 그걸 연결해서 알랭 드 보통은 워홀이 물감으로 한 일과 사랑의 유사점에 대해 또 하나의 이야기를 합니다. 

책은 도끼다 中