is the phrase I learned from my Uganda teammates. There are so many phrases we used to say like "Yeah you do~" to "You're a hot mess." Ahh what a mess we were, physically, emotionally, and at times, spiritually.
I'm currently at a cafe, as a senior who is dealing with her second to last quarter as an undergrad trying to combat senioritis. And when I say combat, I really mean its full definition of "take action to reduce, destroy, or prevent (something undesirable)." This feeling of "I'm over school" and the battle to overcome it is unfortunately familiar because I faced this four years ago too. And when I thought I had overcome this, it came back like a disease, and now I am struggling real hard to not let myself revert to that state.
I went off on a tangent, but I thought about my frequent use of the phrase "I'm over it" and how deceiving it is to myself. And how self-deprecating it can be. I've become so used to just saying "I'm over it" to almost every thing that could possibly "mess up my groove" and my cool. Or sometimes I just say it to save my face because I don't want others to know how I truly am feeling.
On another note, I also think that this is encouraged in this day and age with everything being so fast paced and the rise of "cool girls" who are too cool for school to care. It's not that I wanted to become this "cool girl" but I think rather I wanted to be in tune with this time and age and be able say "I'm over it" and move on as quickly as possible. But the last few months, I realized that that maybe I am not cut out for it. But I am also learning that this is okay.
The last few months have been challenging with the changes that were both expected and unexpected. About four weeks ago, my last grandparent of the four passed away. To me, this was an unexpected death. She had been ill with dementia for almost as long as I can remember, but I remember it really took her away four years ago. At that point, she didn't remember any of her daughters, and of course, she didn't remember me. I remember being so disheartened and sad that I had to accept that my sweet grandma was really gone and that the person I saw time to time over the weekends was a stranger. And now, when I heard that she had passed away, that she had left this world permanently, that was truly an unexpected death. Squeezing in her funeral in the midst of midterms, assignments, and other responsibilities and coming back to them after, it almost seemed like my grandma never passed away. It's almost as though I became this idealized 21st century person who knows how to get him/herself together and be responsible and efficient.
But the truth is, I am not. I am still processing her death and I am still trying to catch up on all the responsibilities I have. It's been a month and I still am all over the place and perhaps "I'm a hot mess" like my teammates and I used to call one another in Uganda. This past week, I had to talk to my professor and just let him know that it's been hard and that I just need more time. My professor was so understanding and he showed me grace and compassion, and that moment I really experienced the care and grace of my Father above. It was so nerve-wracking to talk to my professor after class and just be honest, but being honest and perhaps being vulnerable bought me more time and more importantly granted me grace.
I remember in one of the sermons, Pastor Harold said we don't just "get over" death. There are things in life we just cannot get over. Whether it be death or changes or decisions, we don't get over them but we learn to live with them. Live with the loss, the changes, and the decisions. This insight really freed me from trying to "get over" so many things. There is death, there are losses, and there are "what if's" I deal with everyday. Sometimes I become sad when I think of the losses, and I often tell myself that it's been too long and that I have issues for still being sad over it. There are "what if's" in my head that I entertain and ultimately drive myself to be miserable over the decisions that I've made. Simply, there are many changes, expected and unexpected, that I cannot simply just "get over", I've learned. But with that insight, I am learning ways to cope and live with them. And now the pressure of being "over it" is gone, it's been somewhat liberating and I feel more like myself.
Honesty never fails..
On a lighter note, I used to be obsessed with "Keep Calm and Carry On." I still like it hehe.
