121718

Car the Garden - Put Your Records on (cover)

언제 차정원 라이브로 보고싶다.

080416

I was looking for something in my Google Drive and came across this post I don't even remember writing..

It writes... ------

Permanently stuck writing something for work, and I decided to write on my dead dead blog. 

I’ve been downsizing and consolidating on a daily basis. I have basically deleted my whole Instagram. I have been selling my assets (psh I have nothing so I guess I consider my plates, pots, and pans as my assets), and I am even considering deleting this blog. Snapchat. Most likely going to delete my Tumblr. 

Downsize downsize delete delete.

Anyways, a tiny tiny episode today made me want to write on this blog.

I have been downsizing, consolidating, deleting, throwing away, and all that jazz because I am moving. I don’t know where yet but one thing I know for sure is that I am moving from Los Angeles. And I have a lot of stuff. I have a lot of clothes. I have a lot of cookbooks. I have a lot of mugs, wanted or unwanted. 

I’ve been training myself to throw out stuff just to make the move easier. Almost everyday I find one item in my closet to let go. I convince myself that it’s not worth taking all the way to wherever I go even if I loved the item initially, or still do. When I turn the “I am a heartless and detached person” switch on (lol) and make these decisions, to keep or not to keep, sometimes I reflect on relationships. Sometimes I find myself wanting to treat relationships this way, trying to predict if these relationships will last beyond this city of angels. 

[picture]

The picture above (taken today) is of these shoes I bought in 2014 while I was studying abroad in Prague. I remember these shoes because I bought them at H&M right before my trip to Paris. I am not a big fan of heels (yes they are heels haha) but I fell in love with the design and just bought them. I remember wearing them for the first time on my first day in Paris, walking around the city, searching for the perfect crepe, after visiting the Louvre with my friend V. And my feet were dead. I was in so much pain that I told V that we had to call it a night. It was sad. I hated these heels.

But I ended up keeping them. And I wore them a couple times. But each time I wore them I always wondered, “How come these hurt so much the first time around?” I trusted these shoes, but I never forgot how much these hurt me in the past. I actually wore these recently the night before my graduation, and I remember even thinking, “Man these heels are great. Never throwing them away.”

And I wore them today even though I never wear heels to work (or anywhere really) because I thought, why not? And fklsdfklkldz it killed my left foot. The skin of my left toe thumb (is this the correct way to address it?) is all messed up and I screamed in pain when I was trying to sanitize it. Yikes. 

Okay so the point of my this whole rant is.. Since I am in the phase of downsizing and moving, it made me wonder if these shoes were worth keeping. I want to be like “NO NO” but then I have good memories with these heels too. They were comfortable, they complimented my outfit well, and overall they were solid. 

So if I am contemplating on the value of these shoes, these affordable H&M shoes I bought when I was 20, how can I not do the same with relationships. I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish sometimes loving and maintaining relationships is easy as “toss or not to toss” but they are not. 

These shoes having their on and off days made me wonder if I am the problem. Is it me? Is it my weight? Is it the pressure on my feet? Which is not a bad argument because whether one 

#mood

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Unfortunately, I don't think I took photos of those heels. And I still think about deleting this blog. And Snapchat (even though it's already been abandoned). 

It's interesting reading this two years later. Having moved away from Los Angeles and then being back in the city for the summer. Relationships in general never fail to surprise me. Most of my friendships remained the same. But there are also ones that didn't make it. And there are ones that revived. Oh how interesting and fascinating life is. 

Even though I don't have a photo of those heels, here's a photo of me wearing them on my very first day in Paris. Hello 20 year old Jane.

Paris, France

072318

Babylon - 바보 (Feat. Nafla)

오랜만에, 노래 좋다.

Little Forest (2018)

I've been meaning to jot something down here as you can see from the many attempts below:

But these are unfinished drafts and I may or may never get to these. We will see. Since the last time I've attempted to update the folks in the blogosphere, a lot has happened. Yes, I was in SF until the end of 2017, spent the holidays in Korea & Japan, and went back to NY. To be honest, the first couple months of 2018 were a blur because I was juggling many different things. I started interning full time, taking classes in the evening, serving more at church, all the while battling with NY's brutally long winter this time around. It zoomed by and to be frank, I was constantly exhausted physically and emotionally because I was always preparing for the next step, plan B, C, and Z. If year 1 in NY was exhilarating, exploring different neighborhoods, going to all the concerts and exhibitions the city has to offer, year 2 in NY was quite anxiety producing knowing that my time at school was coming to an end and that I had to find a different, a more permanent purpose to be in the city. I'll omit the details of the process, but now I'm back in sunny LA from Sunnyside, NY.

Recently I watched a movie called Little Forest (2018). It's originally a Japanese movie that was remade in Korea. The premise is quite simple. It's about a girl who was trying to make it out in Seoul but gets tired and hungry (quite literally) of the hustle and returns home in the countryside temporarily. I remember watching that movie at work when the day was slow wishing that was me. But now that I'm back in Westwood, a past home of 4 years, it somewhat feels similar. When I moved to NY, leaving behind the 4 years of life, friends, and memories, I was determined to make the move worth it. And in that determination, I decided to paint LA as a place I would never return to because I thought.. well I shouldn't, you know? If I was going to go back so easily, then why did I go through all the hassles of moving cross country, finding myself a new community, and learning to love this crazy city, NY? Anyways, to me LA was this ex-boyfriend you should never even entertain the thought of getting back together with and therefore I would always remind myself of the reasons why I disliked the city.

But here I am, back in Los Angeles, and it's not too bad. It's not as horrendous as I thought it would be. It's actually comforting to see the palm trees dance in the breeze. To be sunkissed every morning. And to rock my Birkenstocks all the time. But I do have to say, it is quite dejavu-like to be back, especially in Westwood. But I missed this. Calm mornings with Bruins lined up by the shuttle stop. Impromptu meals with my aunt and uncle. Good (Mexican) food. Friends who are a drive away, not a flight. And perhaps, maybe I needed this. A break and retreat from the city that never sleeps. I'm not sure if this will be a temporary move or a permanent one, but I'm ready to soak up all the sun and love from my home of many homes.

Little Forest (2018)

"Humility cannot be attained directly. Once we become aware of the poison of pride, we begin to notice it all around us. We hear it in the sarcastic, snarky voices in weblogs. We see it in civic, cultural, and business leaders who never admit weakness or failure. We see it in some friends with their jealousy, self-pity, and boasting. And so we vow not to talk or act like that. If we then notice 'a humble turn of mind' in ourselves, we immediately become-smug--but that is pride in our humility. If we catch ourselves doing that we will be impressed with how nuanced and subtle we have become. [But] humility is so shy. If you begin talking about it, it leaves. To even ask the question, 'Am I humble?' is to not be so. Examining your own heart, even for pride, often leads to being proud about your diligence and circumspection. Christian humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less. It is no longer noticing yourself, how you are doing, and how you are being treated. It is 'blessed self-forgetfulness.'" 

- Tim Keller, The Advent of Humility