As I was scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook

I came across a status update from someone who attends my church in Korea and who also had recently gotten married. It was about how even though she now lives in Daejon (about 100 miles from Seoul), she still gets to stay at her parent's place (her former home) once a week because of the school she attends in Seoul (or something like that). And she was saying how strange it was that even though her room is still there, it is pretty much empty and that all her belongings and basically life are now in Daejon, her new home. And she proceeded to share these sights of her dad falling asleep to television or her mom cutting more fruit than she could eat and how she didn't realize these were sights she was going to miss until now--3 or 4 months into marriage.

The difference about being a college student/young adult in Korea is that majority of the people stay home throughout college and even afterwards. I've met very little people who decided to leave the nest while attending college, especially if they were attending a university located in Seoul. That being said, as I was reading about how the author of the status was going through this change of scenery in her life as she got married, I got to think about how I've left home ever since I went to college and that the likeliness of living with my parents again is very.. little.

I think when I was applying to colleges in the states, I knew I was moving out of home, but the idea of living in the states again was more dominating than the reality that once I moved out, that would be it. Like the girl who wrote the status, there are times I reminisce living under my parents' roof. Recently, I went to Urth Caffe with my church small group and someone ordered this vegetable juice. I got to take a sip of it and remembered how I used to drink this kale juice my mom would make every morning. There was also a time when I could see/talk to my dad whenever I wanted instead of emailing him to call me and wait for his call (because he refuses to create a Kakao account, for good reasons though).

There was a time everything was pretty much taken care of. Not that I am a self-sufficient adult right now, but I do miss the convenience of not having to clean my own room (haha), not having to pay for water and power, WiFi, and parking spot, and not cooking for myself (even though I thoroughly enjoy cooking but it's hard to afford the time to make gourmet dishes all the time, you know?).

Sometimes when I brew coffee, I wish my dad was around so he could taste my coffee and enjoy our pastries together. Or sometimes when the weather is nice, I wish I could go on a drive with my mom.

It's just the little things. It's always the little things.

Even though it is not in any of my near future plans to move back to Korea and study/work there, I do entertain how it would be if I were to actually move back in with my parents. I get to experience it once a year when I visit over winter break, but I know living with them again as a permanent resident versus being a "guest" (oh this is sad) is a different story. Interestingly enough, I've been surrounded by a couple friends in my life who moved back home after work/grad school and share how good it is but also how frustrating it is too.

When I hear of those good and also bad times, I am reminded again that living with my parents will never be the same, especially after being "independent" for the last four years. For example, I don't think I can honor the curfew of coming home by 9:30pm anymore. I am not a night owl but 9:30pm? C'mon haha. But it does sadden me that the season of being under my parents' roof and care has passed... before I knew it. Like fully realized it.

This soundtrack = #parents #korea #family

The Return of the Prodigal Son pt. ii

Part II: The Elder Son

5. The Elder Son Leaves

Standing with Clasped Hands

• ... but the one who stayed home also became a lost man. Exteriorly he did all the things a good son is supposed to do, but, interiorly, he wandered away from his father. He did his duty, worked hard every day, and fulfilled all his obligations but became increasingly unhappy and unfree. 

Lost in Resentment

• ... obedience and duty have become a burden, and service has become slavery. 
• The lostness of the elder son, however, is much harder to identify. After all, he did all the right things. He was obedient, dutiful, law-abiding, and hardworking. People respected him, admired him, praised him, and likely considered him a model son. Outwardly, the elder son was faultless ... Suddenly, there become glaringly visible a resentful, proud, unkind, selfish person

Without Joy

• Often I catch myself complaining about little rejections, little impoliteness, little negligences. Time and time again I discover within me that murmuring, whining, grumbling, lamenting, and griping that go on and on even against my will. 
• The tragedy is that, often, the complaint, once expressed, leads to that which is most feared: further rejection. 

An Open-ended Question

• Unlike a fairy tale, the parable provides no happy ending. 
• ... my resentments and complaints are mysteriously tied to such praiseworthy attitudes. This connection often makes me despair. At the very moment I want to speak or act out of my most generous self, I get caught in anger or resentment. And it seems that just as I want to be most selfless, I find myself obsessed about being loved. Just when I do my utmost accomplish a task well, I find myself questioning why others do not give themselves as I do. Just when I think I am capable of overcoming my temptations, I feel envy toward those who gave in to theirs. It seems that wherever my virtuous self is, there also is the resentful complainer. 
• ... my own true poverty. 

6. The Elder Son's Return

A Possible Conversion

• The Father's love does not force itself on the beloved. Although he wants to heal us of all our inner darkness, we are still free to make our own choice to stay in the darkness or to step into the light of God's love. God is there. God's light is there. God's forgiveness is there. God's boundless love is there. What is so clear is that God is always there, always ready to give and forgive, absolutely independent of our response. God's love does not depend on our repentance or our inner or outer changes.

Letting Go of Rivalry

• It often seems that the more I try to disentangle myself from the darkness, the darker it becomes ... But my true freedom I cannot fabricate for myself. That must be given to me. I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the shepherd who goes out to me.
• ... allows me to let my dad be no less than the good, loving, but limited human being he is, and to let my heavenly Father be the God whose unlimited, unconditional love melts away all resentments and anger and makes me free to love beyond the need to please or find approval. 

Through Trust Gratitude

• "God isn't really interested in me, he prefers the repentant sinner who comes home after his wild escapades. He doesn't pay attention to me who has never left the house. He takes me for granted. I am not his favorite son. I don't expect him to give me what I really want."
• It requires a real discipline to step over my chronic discipline and to think, speak, and act with the conviction that I am being sought and will be found. Without such discipline, I become prey to self-perpetuating hopelessness.
• I must totally disown my self-rejecting voice and claim the truth that God does indeed want to embrace me as much as he does my wayward brothers and sisters.
• Gratitude, however, goes beyond the "mine" and "thine" and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift ... The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.
• There is an Esotnian proverb that says: "Who does not thank for little will not thank for much." Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace.
• At many points I have to make a leap of faith to let trust and gratitude have a chance: to write a gentle letter to someone who will not forgive me, make a call to someone who has rejected me, speak a word of healing to someone who cannot do the same.
• The leap of faith always means loving without expecting to be loved in return, giving without wanting to receive, inviting without hoping to be invited, holding without asking to be held. And every time I make a little leap, I catch a glimpse of the One who runs out to me and invites me into his joy, the joy in which I can find not only myself, but also my brothers and sisters. Thus the disciplines of trust and gratitude reveal the God who searches for me, burning with desire to take away all my resentments and complaints and to let me sit at his side at the heavenly banquet. 

I am not going to lie, I low-key regretted a little for highlighting too much while typing this out. But oh well, I want to share!! Pt. iii coming up soon!!

The Return of the Prodigal Son

In the previous post, I said I would post about how life has been, or I guess in this case, how life had been, with my dog, Mr. Wilson, but I found myself wanting to share what I have been learning and contemplating on the last few weeks or even months. 

Currently, I am reading a book called The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen with my small group at church. The author expands on the very well known parable, the Prodigal Son, reflecting on not only the younger, the prodigal son, but also the elder son, and at last, the father. It was through this book that I realized it's even possible to relate myself to a character other than the prodigal son. There are other epiphanies, realizations, and confirmations that I would like to share, but I will save them for later when I actually finish reading/discussing the book. 

BUT I did want to share some quotes I highlighted throughout my read. I highlight a lot--I carry over 10 highlighters with me in my backpack haha--so you might be a little overwhelmed, but no harm in sharing, right? 

Prologue: Encountering with a Painting 

The Event

• I knew even less about announcing the Gospel of Jesus to people who listened more with their hearts than with their minds and who were far more sensitive to what I lived than to what I said.
• But had I, myself, really ever dared to step into the center, kneel down , and let myself be held by a forgiving God?
• ... but I had never fully given up the role of bystander ... taking the position of one of the four figures surrounding the divine embrace ... they all represent different ways of not getting involved ... but all of them are ways of not getting directly involved. 
• It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust. 
• And still, I knew that I would never be able to live the great commandment to love without allowing myself to be loved without conditions or prerequisites. 

The Vision

• ... the journey I most feared because I knew that God was a jealous lover who wanted every part of me all the time. When would I be ready to accept that kind of love?

Part I: The Younger Son

1. Rembrandt and the Younger Son

• ... painful realization that all the glory he (Rembrandt) had gathered for himself proved to be vain glory.

2. The Younger Son Leaves

A Radical Rejection

• ... our brokenness may appear beautiful, but our brokenness has no other beauty but the beauty that comes from the compassion that surrounds it.
• The father's touching the so is an everlasting blessing; the son resting against his father's breast is an eternal peace.

Deaf to the Voice of Love

• Having "received without charge," I can "give without charge."
• As the Beloved, I am free to live and give life, free also to die while giving life.
• Faith is the radical trust that home has always been here and always will be there.
• Yet over and over again I left home ... This is the great tragedy of my life ... Somehow I have become deaf to the voice that calls me the Beloved, have left the only place where I can hear the voice, and have gone off desperately hoping that I would find somewhere else what I could no longer find at home.
• They (other voices) suggest that I am not going to be loved without my having earned it through determined efforts and hard work ... They deny loudly that love is a totally free gift. 
• Parents, friends, and teachers, even those who speak to me through the media, are mostly very sincere in their concerns. Their warnings and advice are well intended. In fact, they can be limited human expressions of an unlimited divine love. 
• ... I come to the disconcerting discovery that there are very few moments during my day when I am really free from these dark emotions, passions, and feelings. 
• All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One on whom God's favor rests.

Searching Where It Cannot Be Found

• At issue here is the question: "To whom do I belong? To God or the world?" Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for the survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me. 
• As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs" ... There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional.
• I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found. 
• I am constantly surprised at how I keep taking the gifts God has given me--my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts--and keep  using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for my rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of God.  

3. The Younger Son's Return

Being Lost

• He has become like a slave.
• The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.
• When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me.
• And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me.
• My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul.

Claiming Childhood

• ... it was the loss of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. 
• ... no human being would ever be able to give the love I craved, that no friendship, no intimate relationship, no community would ever be able to satisfy the deepest needs of my wayward heart. 
• Indeed, it is a question of life or death. Do we accept the rejection of the world that imprisons us, or do we claim the freedom of the children of God? We must choose.
• Peter, in the midst of his despair, claimed it and returned with many tears. Judas chose death. Peter chose life.
• There are always countless events and situations that I can single out to convince myself and others that my life is just not worth living, that I am only a burden, a problem, a source of conflict, or an exploiter of other people's time and energy. Many people live with this dark, inner sense of themselves ... They have given up faith in their original goodness and, thus, also in their father who has given them their humanity. 
• But when God created man and woman in his own image, he saw that "it was very good," and, despite the dark voices, no man or woman can ever change that. 
• ... that where my failings are great, "grace is always greater."
• Belief in total, absolute forgiveness does not come readily.

The Long Way Home

• One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God's forgiveness ... Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome ... Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing.  
• As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away, or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father. 
• Being a child is living toward a second innocence: ... but the innocence that is reached through conscious choices.
• These words (Beatitudes) present a portrait of the child of God. It is a self-portrait of Jesus, the Beloved Son. 

The True Prodigal

• I am touching here the mystery that Jesus himself became the prodigal son for our sake. He left the house of his heavenly Father, came to a foreign country, gave away all that he had, and returned through his cross to his Father's home. All of this he did, not as a rebellious son, but as the obedient son, sent out to bring home all the lost children of God. 
• The young man being embraced by the Father is no longer just one repentant sinner, but the whole of humanity returning to God ... It becomes the summary of the history of our salvation. 

I have yet to read Part II: The Elder Son and Part III: The Father, but I will update as soon as I do! Also, on the note of parenting and the parable of The Prodigal Son, I would recommend this sermon (click "sermon"). I watched/listened to it more than 3 times already, but it's really insightful, sobering, encouraging, and all that good stuff.