I was looking for something in my Google Drive and came across this post I don't even remember writing..
It writes... ------
Permanently stuck writing something for work, and I decided to write on my dead dead blog.
I’ve been downsizing and consolidating on a daily basis. I have basically deleted my whole Instagram. I have been selling my assets (psh I have nothing so I guess I consider my plates, pots, and pans as my assets), and I am even considering deleting this blog. Snapchat. Most likely going to delete my Tumblr.
Downsize downsize delete delete.
Anyways, a tiny tiny episode today made me want to write on this blog.
I have been downsizing, consolidating, deleting, throwing away, and all that jazz because I am moving. I don’t know where yet but one thing I know for sure is that I am moving from Los Angeles. And I have a lot of stuff. I have a lot of clothes. I have a lot of cookbooks. I have a lot of mugs, wanted or unwanted.
I’ve been training myself to throw out stuff just to make the move easier. Almost everyday I find one item in my closet to let go. I convince myself that it’s not worth taking all the way to wherever I go even if I loved the item initially, or still do. When I turn the “I am a heartless and detached person” switch on (lol) and make these decisions, to keep or not to keep, sometimes I reflect on relationships. Sometimes I find myself wanting to treat relationships this way, trying to predict if these relationships will last beyond this city of angels.
[picture]
The picture above (taken today) is of these shoes I bought in 2014 while I was studying abroad in Prague. I remember these shoes because I bought them at H&M right before my trip to Paris. I am not a big fan of heels (yes they are heels haha) but I fell in love with the design and just bought them. I remember wearing them for the first time on my first day in Paris, walking around the city, searching for the perfect crepe, after visiting the Louvre with my friend V. And my feet were dead. I was in so much pain that I told V that we had to call it a night. It was sad. I hated these heels.
But I ended up keeping them. And I wore them a couple times. But each time I wore them I always wondered, “How come these hurt so much the first time around?” I trusted these shoes, but I never forgot how much these hurt me in the past. I actually wore these recently the night before my graduation, and I remember even thinking, “Man these heels are great. Never throwing them away.”
And I wore them today even though I never wear heels to work (or anywhere really) because I thought, why not? And fklsdfklkldz it killed my left foot. The skin of my left toe thumb (is this the correct way to address it?) is all messed up and I screamed in pain when I was trying to sanitize it. Yikes.
Okay so the point of my this whole rant is.. Since I am in the phase of downsizing and moving, it made me wonder if these shoes were worth keeping. I want to be like “NO NO” but then I have good memories with these heels too. They were comfortable, they complimented my outfit well, and overall they were solid.
So if I am contemplating on the value of these shoes, these affordable H&M shoes I bought when I was 20, how can I not do the same with relationships. I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish sometimes loving and maintaining relationships is easy as “toss or not to toss” but they are not.
These shoes having their on and off days made me wonder if I am the problem. Is it me? Is it my weight? Is it the pressure on my feet? Which is not a bad argument because whether one
#mood
------
Unfortunately, I don't think I took photos of those heels. And I still think about deleting this blog. And Snapchat (even though it's already been abandoned).
It's interesting reading this two years later. Having moved away from Los Angeles and then being back in the city for the summer. Relationships in general never fail to surprise me. Most of my friendships remained the same. But there are also ones that didn't make it. And there are ones that revived. Oh how interesting and fascinating life is.
Even though I don't have a photo of those heels, here's a photo of me wearing them on my very first day in Paris. Hello 20 year old Jane.
Paris, France
