101417

Gray- I'm Fine

말해줬으면 해 "자랑스럽네" "부끄럽지 않게 너무 잘하고 있네" 라고

Being a try-hard

So I started journaling again. I started on the plane ride to SF about 7 weeks ago when I was re-evaluating my life decisions and plans. Journaling felt like catching up with a friend, trying to fill her/him in on what had happened in my life the last 18 months. Frankly, I was a little upset with myself that I didn't jot down all the thoughts and events during those months, but better late than never, right?

A big life update is that now I'm in San Francisco, not in NYC. I'll write about that more later. But today I want to write about trying hard.

Today in class, my teacher asked me to draw a circle in a rectangle on a piece of paper. In 10 seconds. So in panic, I did this.

And then after, he went on and on about originality, creativity, being exceptional not acceptable, and whatnot. I did the expected. I met the standards. But I didn't exceed.

These are the times I am reminded that I am not naturally creative. A mixture of my cultural, social, gender upbringing and also probably the talent that I'm born with makes me not the most creative, the most outside-the-box-thinking person. On bad days, I doubt this career path. Can I really make the most exceptional, the most outstanding ad/work? Can I stand out in the crowd when what I really like is being lost in the crowd, hiding away in the corner? But at the end of the day, I like what I'm pursuing. And I want to go about it until I am sick and tired of it, if that day comes, that is. And I have to remind myself (after a class like today's), because I'm an Asian-American female (+ the innate personality that I have), I have to try hard. I have to constantly challenge myself and also play to my strengths, which is reading people. I have to constantly find and learn universal truths that will help me find fitting insights for great campaigns/works. That's the only way to get better. It's hard but that's why I have to try hard. 

Similarly, being a good person doesn't come too easily. And I'm not talking about black and white things like, being a murder versus not. I'm talking about decisions when the options are "not necessarily the wrong thing to do" and "but a better thing to do." Sometime this year, my sister and I were talking about a dilemma I had. I was telling her about something I didn't do, because at the end of the day, it wasn't necessary. And to "do" something that "I didn't do" required a lot of emotional energy from me. It was going to be uncomfortable. That's when she told me that when making decisions, to try to imagine what the person you would respect would do. I guess it's like WWJD, but He's too perfect so a toned down version would be a wo/man I would respect. When I thought about someone, a woman I would respect, I realized that when we respect someone, it's coming from a place where we desire to become like that person eventually.

So I sucked it up and did the "better thing to do." And ever since then, I've been mulling over the idea of becoming a person that I myself can respect and have that carry over in my actions. But it's hard. It's really hard. Sometimes, I just want to hide away behind excuses and say, "but, but I don't have to do that." Sometimes I just want to give into my nature and stay in my comfort zone.

And that's how I feel about faith too. Someone once told me that sanctification is like paddling upstream. You constantly have to paddle or else you fall behind. It requires a lot of energy, determination, and discipline.

Right now everything feels like a climb. I'm climbing to be a great creative. I'm climbing to be a woman I would respect. I'm climbing to be more like Him when I'm designed to be far far from perfection. But at the end of the day, there's something called Grace, which I'm eternally grateful for.