A common theme

Not too long ago I was just scrolling down my blog reading what I have been writing about in the past and realized that there's a common theme to my posts. It's home. 

The concept of home is a confusing one for me. I moved around so many times and because of that it's really hard to say where I am really from. It's hard to define geographically, it's hard to define ethnically, culturally--am I Korean? Am I American? Am I a "gyopo"?--you name it. 

When people ask me where I am from, I usually say I am from Seoul and San Francisco (I only say this because sometimes people don't know where Berkeley is). But the thing is, when I am in Seoul, I want to be in NorCal. When I am in NorCal, I want to go back to Seoul. But this past winter break, I actually found myself wanting to go back to New York after awhile haha. 

I guess I am always missing "home" even when I am "home". 

Recently I was just talking about random things with a fairly new friend and after awhile that friend pointed out and said "Hey I think you're looking for a home in a person." It wasn't that I wasn't aware of the fact that I was missing a home. But I realized that not only was I looking for a home geographically but also in a person. And also that my search for a home is something that can be read, if paid attention to. 

A screenshot that the friend sent me after that conversation

"Some people have to leave home to find their home"

This past weekend, my parents visited from SF/Seoul. It was a really short trip, arriving on Saturday morning and leaving tonight (Sunday evening). When they were initially planning the trip, I told them it was okay not to visit because I knew it was going to be a hassle for them. Even as a twenty something year old, the flight to/from CA to NY is pretty exhausting. But they insisted, even if it was only going to be for less than two days, and they came. When I saw them at JFK all bundled up in their coats and scarves from SF, it felt unreal. And when I welcomed them to my apartment, it felt even more unreal. 

I've lived in seven different dorms/apartments since I've left home for college and my mom has never been to any of them until this one. And because it was her first time, I cleaned up the apartment to the best of my ability, but the first thing my mom saw was the dust collected in the corners of my apartment (oops). She gasped in that moment and "kicked me out" of the apartment and commissioned me to go buy a vacuum cleaner ASAP. In the freezing weather, I somehow found an appliances store and bought a vacuum cleaner on my own for the first time. When I grudgingly brought the vacuum home, my parents started vacuuming and mopping the whole apartment. It was a rare sight, first, seeing my parents in my living quarters, and second, my parents cleaning my living quarters. After all that was over, my mom then asked if I wanted gal-bee-jjim or bul-go-gi, and that she would make some for me. I said it was really okay and that I never starve (true story) so she doesn't need to prep me any food. 

The new powerful friend, Dyson

After all that chaos, we got ready and went out to Brooklyn to eat steak. And after a perfect meal, we went to Central Park. And then Herald Square. And then this little cafe that sells ho-dduk in K-Town. And then watched The Book of Mormon. And then called it a day. 

날이 좋아서 @ Peter Luger's

The Book of Mormon

Today, we all went to church together. And then came back to my place and just decompressed until they had to head out to the airport. Dad was flipping through the channels out in the living room. Mom and I were catching up on my bed and both fell asleep. When I woke up and saw my mom sleeping next to me, in my bed, in New York, it just felt like a dream. And when Mom and I both woke up, with one hour left until they had to leave, Dad left to walk around the neighborhood. When he came back, he brought back our family's favorite, Häagen-Dazs ice cream, and said he couldn't find the meat for bulgogi at the market. And after some time, it was time to go, and they left. 

Post post-church-nap haha

It's always been hard to say goodbye to my parents, but this one was devastating. Saying goodbye just seems to get harder and harder as I get older. It almost feels like I am aging backwards, becoming more and more attached to them. 

When I was in college, I was always envious of my apartment mates who would bring home banchan and gook from home that their mom would prepare for them. It's not that I would starve or eat poorly (I ate too well haha) and it actually motivated me to cook more, but I was just envious that they had a mom back "home" looking out for them.

When I started brewing my own coffee, I wished that one day my dad and I would get to drink the coffee I brewed together at home and laugh at those days I used to hate coffee and throw up at the smell of coffee. These opportunities were hard to find and more so now because I moved to the east coast, but these came when they were the least expected. And it really just all feels like a dream. 

The cup of coffee my dad left behind

Even though coming back to an empty apartment after Mom and Dad left was sad, for some reason, my now "home" in NY feels more like home now. And I feel more at peace. It's as though my desperate and unsettling search for a home has come to a halt because I've been reminded that I do have a home and that there are people who care for me and love me. To the point that they will carve out a whole weekend just for me. To feed me. To make my home a more sanitary place haha. 

But I know this will always be a common theme in my life. I know that my family will always be apart and I know that I will always crave this type of nurturing, looking out for each other, haven-like love. And I know that (as morbid as it sounds) my parents can't always be there for me and that my partner can't always provide this type of love.

내 이상형: tall, dark, and handsome (and holy)

Ultimately I will never be home. Until I am Home. But I am thankful for these rare times I feel so wholesomely loved and taste what it feels like to be Home.

Katie Kim- YH Bridge

엄마 아빠 우리 행복하자