cher journal: Rachel Getting Married (2008)

Again, it's a movie that I haven't watched. But maybe I should watch it tonight. Rachel Getting Married (2008) is a movie about Kym (played by Anne Hathaway) who is the black sheep of the family, coming back home for her sister's wedding from a rehab center, and causing a bit of a ruckus.

Haha, I'm not saying that I'm Kym of the family, but sometimes I do feel a little out of place. I've been back in San Francisco for over a week now, and it's been wonderful spending time with my family. My parents being in Seoul, my sisters being in SF, and now me being in NY, it's not easy for all of us to be together at the same time in the same place.

Our family has gotten quite big. From being a family of five, we became a family of six, seven, eight, nine, and now ten. It was one brother in law, then another brother in law, to one nephew, to another nephew, and at last, a niece. The other day, we were all in the living room--my dad playing with Alexis (my niece and his granddaughter), my mom holding onto Ansel (my nephew #2 and her grandson), Asher (my nephew #1) watching The Secret Life of Pets (2016) on the sofa, and Eunice and Shan preparing dinner. Susanna and Eddie were at their 10th anniversary dinner--crazy, I know. As I was observing this scenery, I realized that everyone had moved onto the next stage in their lives, for some, parenthood, and for others, grandparenthood or being empty-nesters. But in that moment, I felt a rush of loneliness kicking in, which was a strange sensation, given that I was with my family.

I feel like my blog is becoming a sappy journal, which is not what I want my blog to turn into, but I do want to document these moments/feelings/realizations to look back on when I'm older. Being the youngest has its blessings. If I could be born again, I actually would choose to be the youngest again. I have two sisters who are a decade ahead of me and they endow me with so much wisdom and insight. A lot of people go out of their way to find mentors in life and/or career, but luckily I was born with two mentors who guide me with so much love and wisdom. But being the youngest also has its lonely moments, especially the one I experienced recently, where I feel like I'm being left behind while they are moving onto realms of life I am nowhere near.

I'm a twenty something year old, trying to figure out her life in the concrete jungle, on the other coast of the country. On good days, my life is exhilarating. I'm living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, perhaps the most vibrant city in the world, studying what I've been wanting to pursue since I was a teenager. But on bad days, I feel like my life is up in the air and every element of my life seems to be fleeting. And as someone who is always planning things ahead, somewhat of a control freak, and future oriented, this very period of my life is anxiety producing and my emotional and spiritual health is constantly being challenged.

Am I good at what I'm pursuing? Is this career the right one for me? Is this city and its community going to be my home for the next few years? There are countless other questions that run through my head, but recently, I was humbled unexpectedly and it put me at peace. It was when I had to put Asher to sleep, and my sister had asked me to pray for him after reading him a couple books. When I started praying for Asher, I had to thank God for every little thing that happened in Asher's day, because for this little boy, every small episode was a big one. For example, I thanked God that he (Asher) was able to make it to church, see Eunice-eemo, Uncle Shan, Alexis, and Jane-eemo (me). Then I thanked God that we were able to make it to Beau's birthday party, had a good time, made it home safely, and saw Habibi and Hamimi (grandpa and grandma, aka my parents) who came from Korea, and that we had a good time as a family. After I finished this prayer, I was humbled because these were things to be thankful for, and when it comes to gratitude, there is no such thing as "small" or "big"; gratitude is just gratitude.

Sometimes I let anxiety and my 20's blues take over me and I forget about His presence. There were so many instances where things could've gone wrong in NY, but I was fine, and those instances could only be justified and made sense with His presence and protection. But even without those crazy episodes, His presence is so obvious. I really need to get in the habit of being grateful and acknowledging that I'm not the author of my life, but rather He is.

Today I'm thankful for:

Waking up next to Asher, who was sleeping like an angel
A cup of coffee at Philz
Catching up with Julie on the phone
Overall my homies who are still in California but who make the effort to keep in touch via email, texts, call, FaceTime, and/or even visiting me all the way in NYC
My parents (and family overall) who believe in me, my hard work, and talent
A working WiFi.. even though it's kinda spotty haha

I actually want to go on and on but I'll save the never ending list for my journal.

#감사하면서 살자.

#내것이 내것이 아니니까 더 열심히 살자.

#예쁜 삶을 주셨으니까 예쁘게 살자 :)